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After writing the tongue tied (see previous post) it got me thinking about why I was frustrated. I decided it was because I really don't know what to blog about. I need a mission statement for my blog. What is my purpose of writing? What are my core values? What is my vision for this season of blogging. Now I don't mean to sound all buisnessy on you, I am some what joking but I am serious too.

I like things to be organized and well planned out. I want to know where I am going and what I am doing. For me to function and stay sane in life I need these things. I am learning that I need them in every area of my life. I thought blogging might be an acceptation to the rule, well actually I didn't think that, one day I just started blogging, without a plan, without a reason (other than to keep my family updated - which really is a good reason but you know that I mean) and after a year and a half I am finally realizing that it drives me crazy not having a plan for this stinking blog. Don't get me wrong I love writing, I just don't know what direction to take things.

Yet, maybe that's what blogging is all about. Writing about what life throws at you. The funny stories, the hard days, the simple things, the life changing moments, I could go on for hours. The problem is I don't feel like I am doing that.

In order to do that I need time. Now I have time, we all do, I just don't want to give this blog the amount of time that it takes to do the kind of blog I would like to have. Did ya get that? Ha!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I either need to A) pick a few things to focus on and only write about them. B) give blogging all the time it needs so it can be what I always hoped - ok go ahead laugh, I am, because we both know that this is not going to happen. I have a young family to care of. I would give them my time over blogging any day! so lets move on to my last two options.... C) stop blogging. D) learn to not only be ok with the randomness while I blog but enjoy and have fun with it, in the amount of time allotted, of course.

We already know B is out. At this point I'm leaning more towards A or D. It's hard to let C be an option because I do enjoy blogging and I started it for my family, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't given C any thought, I have, it is an option.

Tongue Tied

I want to first start off by saying that I'm NOT fishing for comments or an ego boost of any sort, I'm simply venting a frustration that I have. I don't feel like I make sense when I blog. When I write blogs in my head they come out beautifully. I say exactly what I want and everything makes sense. They are cute and funny or smart and witty or serious and thought provoking. But when I start typing I get tongue tied (and then I sit there and waste time and that frustrates me even more.) I can't get my thoughts to make sense and it usually doesn't come out how I want. I envy people who have a way with words. I'm not one of those people, at least I don't feel like at am, at least not right now.

Wordless Wednesday - Yes, it's that COLD here!

Now I don't feel so bad

Jericho finally ended up falling asleep, PTL! Now I won't feel bad leaving her with a babysitter because she will once again love life. She really is such a sweet girl! Gotta go, God bless you!

I had a minute

We've hardly been home the last 2 weeks. Oh we're sleeping here, but that's about it. I am only home now because Jericho would not take a nap at the church (they have 2 regular size cribs) as I had hoped, so we came home.

Little stinker isn't sleeping here either.

What's up with that? I guess today she wants to try life without a nap, yeah....we'll see how that goes. I don't think she is going to like life after 4pm without a nap. The bad part (well, good for me, bad for them) about Jericho not taking a nap is that come 5pm she will be with a sitter. Without a nap she will not love life like she normally does and the poor sitter will get the privilege of witnessing that first hand.

Well, there really was not purpose of this post. I actually had a minute so I thought I would say hey. Ask ya how you are doing. We're good but life is fast paces right now. When it goes back to normal we'll talk a little more. Till then (Tuesday I hope!) may God bless you in all you do!

A Pony Tail...

.....if you can call it that, is what Jericho had for the 1st time today. She actually asked for it. Crazy I know, what 16 month old wants her mama to actually do her hair. I didn't mind. Actually, I loved it! I've been waiting for the day that she would ask me to do her hair. I didn't think it would come so early, but I was still thrilled. A little skeptical, but thrilled. I was secretly wondering if the second I put the in it, it would get ripped out. See we've been in a bow phase. We started using the bows a few months ago and...... well it's still hard to even talk about. Jericho did such a good job with the head bands that I was so excited to graduate from head bands to bows. I have one in almost every color, they all look the same mind you, but they are different colors. That's what happens when you are cheap on a budget. Back to the bows, oh the bows. Where do I even start? Lets just say I'm lucky if she keeps them in longer than 2.5 seconds. It makes me so sad. They've just about done me in. Crushing any hope of my daughters ever wearing anything in her hair again. I'd almost given up hope.....until today......when she left the pony tail (or whatever you would call that ridiculously cute, silly, but very cute, thing on top of her head) until lunch time. I was shocked, thrilled even. Oh, you can bet we will try this again! And soon, I'm sure! I might even try to put a bow around the band, but shhhh don't tell Jericho that because you know how she feels about bows at this point. Oh and if you know me at all you know they you will not be surprised when I tell you that YES all day it was driving me crazy that Jericho had a black hair tie in with a mostly white outfit (it did have a little pink and blue mix in) They didn't match at all. Since I'm to cheap it's not in the budget (yet) to buy (small) hair ties that match her clothes I can live with it. That, right there, truly shows how excited I am that she kept her pony tail (or whatever you would call it) in!


Help me out. What would you call that thing atop her head?

May Folder, Picture #21

I decided to join in 4 little men and girly twins random picture challenge. Here it is one of my May folders picture #21. It was beautiful outside so I took Jericho out for some fresh air. She discovered grass for the first time - she's not to sure what to think of it.

What did you spy?

What did you spy with your little eye?

You guessed it!

A cute puppy dog all curled up under a blanket.
Sweet Gamba!
I think he was trying to hide from Jericho.


But like you guys, she spied him too!
Gamba looks thrilled (poor puppy)


Don't worry she helped cover him back up


and she did a pretty good job.


That was fun, lets play again sometime!

Soft as a Pillow

Seth and I were talking about how there are certain things that people are "snobs" about (or at least I am) Ya know the kind of stuff that, to you, the off brand just doesn't cut it. I have a few things on that list but toilet paper is not one of them, although I do require 2-ply, it does not have to be name brand. But for whatever reason it made Seth think back to a time a few years ago, during an old job he once had, in a house he can't remember, but the toilet paper he remembers.......

"I was working one day when I had to use the bathroom. I usually don't notice how soft or not soft toilet paper is but when I wiped the toilet paper was so soft it felt like I was wiping with a pillow. How could you not notice that, it was awesome!"

With this quote comes a
Note to self: in a few years when you have a little extra money to blow buy your hubby toilet paper that is as soft as a pillow. He'll be thrilled!

I think he was suggesting that the people he was working for were "snobs" about their toilet paper. We all have things we are a "snob" about, don't we. Are you a "snob" about anything? If so what?

I'm Aware, Like Susie

Susie wrote this a few days ago and I think I can relate (the paragraphs before the pictures start, the part about her blog.) I looked over the last few post and I've realized that I haven't really written much. It's mostly pictures. The stuff I wrote before the the mostly picture blogs were about Gideon. It may seem that the mark of another year without Gideon has me (for lack of a better word, I'm going to use what Susie said) distraught. That is just not the case. (ok, so I don't have to keep repeating what Susie said if you haven't yet go over and read the first 3 paragraphs, you actually can read all of it, but I'm referring to the first 3 paragraphs before the pictures start.) So, I'm going to copy her (Susie hope you don't mind and Thanks!) and just catch you up on us.

I feel like we are bracing ours selves for the next two weeks. The next two weekends we have conferences at the church that go from Thursday night, all day Friday and all day sat with a guest speaker on Sunday night. It's going to be crazier than normal here for a few weeks. As I looked over the blog that I just linked you to, I noticed the dates were the same time last year. It looks in years to come I should just plan on the last few weeks in January being crazier than normal, it seems that for whatever reason those dates work out for conferences at the church.

On top of bracing ourselves for the next few weeks I feel like we are still catching out breath from Christmas and New Years. Not necessarily the whole undercoating, to much spending and eating to much you can't think straight kind of thing. No it's was something else. I have undecorated without much thought but then again there wasn't much to undecorated in the first place, but at least this year it wasn't because I was a Grinch. I mean we did have a tree, which provided us once again with another story (that I'll tell you some other time.) We didn't spend too much because there wasn't much to spend (both a blessing and a cures depending on how you look at it.) And I didn't eat to much because of a little bug that was visiting. That's right the not-so-sweet little stomach bug hit us (my whole family, everyone that came from out of state to visit) hard and I mean hard. Out of the 9 people that were staying in our house 8 of us threw up the one that didn't toss his cookies upward, well lets just say they went downward instead, he wasn't the only way that lost them that way either, unfortunately there were some that tossed their cookies both upward and downward. Yeah I know, not a pretty picture. We marked Christmas 2008 was the Christmas that we pucked (and pooed, as my brother put it) through. It's taken me awhile to get over that one. But boy do I have some stories I could tell you, but I won't, at least not here, now if ya ask me in person that's another story because some of the stories are just to funny. Gross, but funny. If you had 9 people pucking (and pooing) one right after another, in one bathroom, for a week straight, it'd take you a few weeks to get over it too.


Some of the things I've wanted to tell you the last few months I couldn't. They were DL type of things, that just couldn't be talked about, especially on a blog, especially the blog of one of the pastor's wives. Now that the cat is out of the bag on one of those things, I can tell you. Seth is going to be the new Youth Pastor at our church. This whole subject deserves a whole post in and of it's own (which will come) but for now I'll just say that I am so excited for Seth. He has done and amazing job with the children and I know he will do the same with the youth. They couldn't have picked a better man for the job (and that's a completely un-bias opinion, but I'm sure you knew that!) I am excited and privileged to be on this journey with him.


Tell me do you feel like you know what Jericho has been up? I don't feel as if I've done a good job of sharing all that she is learning or much of what we do during the day. The girl is such a doll and a smart one at that. Personally I don't think people give kids enough credit for how smart they truly are. I'm amazed at how much Jericho understands. Jericho is learning new words all the time, she loves animals and making their sounds, she is still using her sign language (have I told you we were doing that?), she is a little gangsta (I'll explain later), my little collector (again I'll explain later) and we are dealing daily with our least favorite thing, the discipline thing. Although discipline is our least favorite part about this new stage, it is definitely the most rewarding. I'm working on a few different blogs explaining what she's been up too, what she is learning and I might even do one on how (so far) we choose to discipline. So be looking for them in the near future, well in the next few weeks, remember the next 2 are a little crazier than normals so we'll see how much blogging gets done.

Thea & Jericho (in her new Packer pj's from Aunt Thea!)

I'm going to leave you with a prayer request. Thea, my older sister, is almost 8 months pregnant (31 weeks) and the doctor has just put her on mild bed rest. She is showing sign of early preeclampsia. Her doctor told that she has 1 week to get things in order and after that he does not want her returning to work. The mild bed rest pretty much means that he wants Thea to take it easy. She is a teacher and on her feet most of the day, in those circumstances it's hard to take it easy, so no more teaching. Although it is not life threatening as of yet, it could becomes so very quickly, please pray this does not happen. We are hoping and praying that this is all precautionary and that Thea makes it full term with no complications. Just so you can be more specific in your prayers they found out they are having a boy, but I'm not going to share his name (yet) because I forgot to get permission from my sister. I'm not sure if it's family privilege or public knowledge. You understand right! Please also pray that the Lord provides financially for them too. They were planning on Thea working the next 6+ weeks, which is no longer a possibility and this makes things a little tighter then they hoped. I know the Lord is going to provide for all their needs both physical and financial. I'll keep you updated.



(Thea, sorry you are in your pj's in the pic too. Because we were all so sick at Christmas we didn't take many pictures. Most of the ones we did take we are in our pj's, and looking sick. It stinks when you only get together a few times a year but then again I guess they really do portray how Christmas 2008 really was!)

Can you tell.....

...it's snowing in our neck of the woods today.

Is it snowing where you are?

NoteTo Self, Take Two

When dressing your daughter in blue and brown outfit (same out fist as in part 1) it does not help to put a pink bow in her hair along with pink socks and a pink and brown pair of shoes. People will still refer to her as buddy. Some will even flat out call her a him. Start getting use to it or quit putting her in the cute blue outfit - which isn't going to happen, it's to cute. So, start getting used to it.


In case you missed Note To Self, part 1

I Spy

Have you ever played eye spy?
I loved playing it as a kid.
Wanna play?
Here is how:
I'm going to show you a picture
and you are going to tell me what you see.
Easy enough right?
Ok here we go.
Here's the picture.
Now tell me....

what do you spy with your little eye?








Stay tuned for the answer.

The Connection

Well, somehow my sweet little girl knows which things are Gideon's. She is drawn to them. You already know how she picked Gideon's blanket to be her own, not that I encouraged it once I saw that she liked it or anything, but in case you were wondering I did! I love that she loves Gideon's blanket.


It's not just Gideon's blanket though. A few weeks ago we were in Jericho's room playing. All of a sudden she looked up at her stuffed animals in their pet net and pointed. It was obvious that there was one that had caught her eye, but which one (I mean there are only about 100 up there). So, I picked her up and let her get the one she wanted. It was the white puppy with blue noes, ears, tail and paws. The one you in the pictures. It was the only stuffed animal that Seth and I bought for Gideon when he was in the NICU. It was one of only three stuffed animals that were ever in Gideon's incubator with him.

The day Jericho got Gideon's puppy out of the pet net she carried it around all day long. As I laid Jericho down for bed that night she not only asked for her blanket she also asked for the puppy. I was a little surprised because she doesn't care for anything other than her blanket when she sleeps, not even her baby dolls, which she loves and carries around constantly some days, but I was happy to oblige, even as I did I wondered if the puppy would be in her crib when she woke up. (Anything that Jericho has ever had in the crib, other than her blanket of course, always gets thrown out of her crib, even those baby dolls she loves so much.) In the morning the puppy was still in crib! She has been asking for both her blanket and the puppy during naps and at night ever since.

The colored twisty thing (sorry I never have known what to call it) that Jericho is concentrating so hard on :) was a gift that was given to Seth and I when Gideon was in the NICU. Someone must have known me well. I fidget with things constantly, it's a stress reliever for me, this is the perfect toy for a person who fidgets. After we got this I would sit and twist that thing around my fingers for hours while I watched Gideon, talked to the nurses and hung out (in the NICU) with my hubby. I had forgotten about it till Jericho found it in a drawer and again played with it and carried it around for weeks (I think she is a fidgeter like me.) I'm surprised the memories that came back to me just by seeing it again. The twisty thing was a constant toy in the NICU. I wouldn't allow myself to take it home because I didn't want to forget to bring it back so for 42 days you could find it on my finger or in a tub next to Gideon's crib. But every once in a while I could wouldn't be able to find it. I'd start freaking out (well not really but I was bummed) then I would see Seth start to chuckle a little and I knew. He thought it was funny to steal it and not give it back (at least for a little while.) On those occasions you would find it on his finger (I usually didn't think it was too funny because then I was left with nothing to fidget with but that's why he did it!) He would eventually give it back to me he'd usually make me beg or I would pretend that I didn't want it (although he always knew I did) for long enough that he was satisfied. Oh the sweet memories!

At the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve after kissing my husband and crying a few tears because I missed my Gideon, I snuck into see what my Jericho was doing. She had wapped herself in her brother's blanket. Her way of letting Gideon know she was thinking of him, missing him even though they've never met.

It's obvious there is a connection between Gideon and Jericho they are bother and sister. But Gideon is no longer here, he never was here while Jericho was, so how much of a connection is there? That's a question I've asked myself a lot over the last 16 months. It seems to me that even though Gideon isn't here Jericho knows he once was. Her spirit is drawn to some of his things. I don't know how you can explain it any other way. Maybe it's just that her favorite color is going to be blue so that's why she's drawn Gideon's blue blanket and blue puppy. But it's more than just those two things, many more. Look at that last picture. I check on Jericho ever night before we go to bed and her blanket is never around her like that. Half the time it's on the other side of the crib or by her feet. Why was it that on January 1st, the anniversary of when Gideon died, she wrapped herself up in his blanket?

I'm not looking for answers, I guess in many ways I'm just still baffled by how my 16 month old daughter chooses her brothers blankets, stuffed animals and toys as her favorite time and time again. I'm amazed a the connection that I see between the two of them even thought Gideon is no longer with us. I'm still in awe of how God is using my daughter (who has no clue what happened) to heal the little pieces (the big ones have been healed) of my heart that are still in need of some mending. It just proves to me that I serve a big God that cares about the little things!

Happy New Year

When I think of New Years, happy is the last adjective that I would put in front of those two words, for the last 3 years this has been the case anyways. Anyone who has lost a child and they will tell you that the day their son or daughter died was not a happy day at all. They would probably tell you that it was one of the, if not the, hardest days of their life. If you have not asked someone who has lost a child about that day I am telling you - It was not a happy day. It was one of the, maybe even the, hardest days of my life. Unfortunately for me the day my son died happens to be the one day a year that is labeled as happy. It's the one day a year, since Gideon died of course, that I don't want to be reminded that's it's happy. So, what do I do?

Well on the day Gideon died, after a very long nap, Seth and I went for a walk. We didn't know what else to do. We had cried and slept more than either of us thought possible. We couldn't handle being cooped up in our apartment with no baby in our arms but no baby in my belly and we couldn't go visit Gideon at the hospital because Gideon was no longer at the hospital. We didn't know what to do with ourselves, so we walked. It was cold, crisp and we were felling a little bitter at the world so it fit. We figured there would be very few people, if any, people outside and that's how we wanted it. The less the better. We we weren't even 2 minutes into our walk when a stranger saw us walking. He looked up smiled, waved and shouted, "Happy New Year" I hated him. Hot tears burned my eyes as I gritted my teeth and grunted under my breath, "It is NOT a Happy New Year!" Two more times similar scenario's took place. Each time a well wisher bidding us a Happy New Year. It was horrid. They might as well have taken a knife and stuck it straight into my heart. Each time my reaction was the same. Seth kept telling me that they had no idea what happened and I shouldn't be mad, they didn't mean anything by it. But it did mean something to me. What was God doing? I know He could have stopped these people. Why didn't He? It all felt like some kind of cruel joke. I didn't understand any of it. I didn't know if I would ever be able to wish anyone a Happy New Years again, if I ever did, I don't think I would actually mean it.

Fast forward to a few months ago. It was late, or I guess I should say early as it was already in the a.m., Tori and I were sitting on the couch talking about Grace and Gideon. Each of us was sharing with the other what was hard about losing my babies. I told Tori the story I just told you and what she said changed how I now choose to look at New Years. She looked at me with the most thoughtful eyes and the sweetest smile, as if she was seeing Gideon herself, and said, "but Tarah it was a Happy New Year for Gideon. It was the day he entered Heaven's gates." She is right. It was a very Happy New Years for Gideon. Each New Year that follows I know he is celebrating the day he entered Heaven's gates. To him every New Year is and will be Happy. Knowing that I can say, and honestly mean it when I say, I wish you a.......

"HAPPY NEW YEARS!"

remembering Gideon on "his day" last year