Happy 10 Months Haven!

Watch out she's in double digits now...in months that is!

Haven you are my little ham.
You love laughter!
Whether it's from your own mouth or someone else, you love the sound of it.
For months now you've been doing things to get us to laugh,
which we of course do!

You're my lil baller!
Your favorite toy is a ball
Your new favorite game is when I roll a ball to you and you roll it back.
You concentrate really hard when we play, it's adorable!

You like baby dolls too
but honestly I think you like them because you sister loves them

Aunt Thea gave us a new toy that has a microphone and you love to sing in it!

You love to jump on the tramp

You are getting into EVERYTHING these days!

You are still nursing

And your favorite drink is bath water...
well maybe 2nd favorite drink

You started eating baby food this month.
You don't like the baby cereal but you like everything else.

When you eat you totally chill in your high chair.
When Mama's getting your food ready you are very patient.

You have 6 teeth (4 on top, 2 on bottom)
There is a little space between your top two teeth that I think is absolutely adorable!

Anything that is halfway stable you pull yourself up on and push as you walk.
I'm wondering how long it will be till your walking on your own!

You don't like sitting still to read.....yet!

You only nap for an hour and a half (if I'm lucky)

When people ask what color your eyes are I don't know what to say
because they have changed so much.

You take 2 sometimes 3 naps

You can say Mama & Dada

You wave (when you want to)

You are constantly making noises with you mouth
every week the noises change it's so funny!

You are always making funny/weird faces.

Yesterday for the first time you crawled to the door daddy went out, banged on it, then fussed because you knew he had left.
It was sweet and sad.
It made daddy not want to leave.

You are definitely a mama's girl (like I prayed!)
but you sure do love your daddy and your sister too!

Haven you are a blessing from above!

Happy 10 Months!

A Resting Place

There is no good way to start this post. I've tried to word it so many different ways, to make it sound not so...wow didn't expect that. But I'm having a hard time so I'm just going to dive in. Sorry for the (see I can't even find a word to describe it) abruptness (if that's even what you'd call it?!?)

When Gideon died there were many in-your-face, decide-right-now things we had to deal with that, quite frankly, when you are not expecting your child to die, kinda slap you in the face. I mean, I just gave birth the thought of where to bury my son never once crossed my mind, even with as sick as he had previously been, the thought that he might not make it out of the NICU, just wasn't in my head...until he was in my arms...taking his last breath...

See I told you there was not good way to start this.

None of the decisions were easy but (praise the Lord) we were (and still are) surrounded by friends and family that either completely took care of some of heart wrenching decisions for us or helped us make them. One of the biggest decisions we had to make was to choose where we were going to bury Gideon. At that time I'd lived in Lima for less than a year and a half, 9 out of those 18 months I'd been on bed rest or in the hospital with Gideon. I didn't even know where a cemetery was and they were wanting us, in matter of days, to choose a place that we were going to visit the rest of our lives, to pick a cemetery to lay our son to rest...forever. How do you make that kind of decisions? Especially when you are already so screwed up from...well...losing your son...

We had some very dear friends of ours that had walked by our side through everything that had already happened the miscarriage, both bed rests, & the NICU. These friends of ours came to us with an offer. Because of their offer choosing a cemetery was as easy as it could be. You see they too had a son that died when he was just a few weeks old. After there son died they bought the plot right behind where he was buried. They told us that if we wanted the plot behind their son, for our son, we could have it. Relief flooded me at the thought that this major rest-of-our-life decision could possibly be that easy. The next day they took us to see the cemetery. The place we'd potentially be laying Gideon to rest.

The drive felt long. I felt numb. We pulled into the entrance of the cemetery. As we made our way down the gravel road I see big solid trees that line the drive on either side. I immediately fall in love with them, wondering how long they've been their and if the big van we are in will fit between them. We fit. I'm looking everywhere taking everything in, yet I'm not. What are we doing here? I am reminded. My son just died. We pull around the curve. We slow as we get just beyond the tree with the bench next to it. We stop. We give them a minute to get out and pay respect to their son. They get out. They go left. They walk all the way to the back. They stop. We wait. They turn to us. We join them. For a moment there are no words. What is there to say? Their son rests their now and soon ours will join him. They point to the exact spot. I stand their. Tear will not stop. I bawl. Strong arms blanket themselves around me. I thank God for my husband. We weep. We both know this is where our son will rest. Yet, there is peace. I look up from the spot where I stand. My breath is taken away. Beauty is what I see. Who would have thought such beauty could be found in a cemetery? But here it is. God is here, even in this place.

The next day we bury our son.

Bubble Gum on the Roof...

that is what Jericho wanted for her birthday. How does a 2 year old think of that? Well, it started back at the beginning of the year when Jericho started asking for gum.all.the.time! I told Seth that we had to tell her something I couldn't keep telling her no multiple times a day without a good reason, so we came up with one, your not old enough. How old do I have to be she wanted to know? Seth and I looked at each other and in unison said 3!

checking out the view with daddy before the chewing of the 1st piece of gum

Jericho would randomly ask for gum (I chew gum all that time) and every time I'd ask her if she was 3 yet and she'd smile at me and tell me not yet. I'd smile back and say when your 3! It quickly became something she was looking forward to.So, where does the roof come in? At the beginning of spring Seth had to go up on the roof to fix something and Jericho was on the ground watching him. She asked if she could join him and because he was having to work and go back and forth and on and off the roof he said no. She of course asked why but answered her own question before Seth could say anything, "because I'm not big enough" she said as I watched her shoulders slump and the air go out of her. She knew. She wanted to be bigger. Never the less she continued to watch her daddy from the ground all the while talking to him and asking him a million and one questions about the roof.

getting ready to chew

A few weeks later Seth and Jericho were sitting in the hammock talking. Seth asked her what she wanted to do when she got older and she confidently without missing a beat replied, "Chew gum on the roof!" Seth was a little bewildered giggled before he remembered the previous week and then I heard him belly laugh. About that time I came outside and he told me what she said so we told her that for her 3rd birthday she could chew gum on the roof!

showing off their gum

Even though we drove home from Chicago on her actual birthday we got home right before the sunset and Jericho got to chew gum on the roof! When I asked her what she thought she said, "It's YUMMY!" She's asked everyday multiply times a day since her birthday for a piece of gum. It's the first thing she asks for when she wakes up!

Jericho holding up the card my grandma got her for her 3rd birthday with 3 pieces of bubble gum taped to it!

Happy Birthday My Sweet Jericho! I hope you enjoyed your gum on the roof!

Spewing

So, it's been awhile...a long while. Here's a little bit about a lot that's been going on...

My baby girl turned 3 a week ago! I'm struggling with this one I can't believe she's 3. We decided to head to Chicago last minute so we ended up having a party at Seth's parents place and my family came too it was awesome! We were driving home on her actual birthday but she still got to chew her bubble gum on the roof! (More on that story later)

Just a few weeks before Jericho's birthday Seth and I celebrated our 6th anniversary! I'm so blessed to be married to such an incredible man of God! I don't know what I'd do without him.

Our house is once again on the market. We have had an offer on it and are waiting for details so we can make a decision. Please pray for us. The reason we are selling it: there is a big beautiful foreclosure house just down the road from us that we are looking into. It's the "BIG house" (as Jericho call it) that we've been driving by for the past 2 years. The one that every so often I'd convince Seth to stop by so we could peek in her windows, don't worry no one lives there, and dream about our family running around inside her spacious walls. I've falling in love with her, just as Seth did with the house we grace our presence with now. I've always thought we'd end up buying it one day and fixing her up real pretty. I just never thought it might be this soon. I'm excited and scared and have no idea what God is up to but I look forward to the ride!

Another reason that I've not been blogging is that we've been traveling...mostly to Chicago. Each year it varies on how much we get to see our families since both are in Chicago area but this year we've been blessed! Since May we've seen them 3 times, each one a blessing. I love our families and it's so nice when we get to see them more than usual. The only down side is that it take me a week to prepare for vacation, then we are gone a week, then a week to get back to normal, with how often we've been out there we've had very few "normal" weeks but it's been TOTALLY worth it! Oh and did I mention that somewhere in our 3 trips to Chicago in 9 weeks Seth went to Mexico for 10 days! Yeah this summer has been what I call "A Beautiful Mess"

Gideon, yeah it's almost that time of year again where my mind tends to wander towards him more often. But it's started earlier this year for a few reason. The first being my boy would be starting kindergarten (I just looked up the cut off date for NY - November 30 and his birthday is November 20) I had someone that I'd just meat ask me if I had any children (the girls weren't with me at the moment) I told her yes and then she asked how old they were she got my classic answer, "we have a 3 yr old and a 9 month old at home" I'm glad most people don't think about why I add the at home part. Then this sweet lady looked at me and said oh so you don't have any kids in school...I could feel the dagger go into my heart and the tears well up in my eyes. I'm glad she didn't notice my reaction. I know she didn't mean anything by it, this kind soul was just making small talk. I think God allows conversations like that to happen so that we can see that the grieving process is a lifetime and there's a lot to learn.

We are also in the process of picking out a headstone for Gideon. I don't want to go into details now (that's a post of it's own) but it's been harder than I thought it would be...

Haven is going to be 10 months old in less than a week! My baby is going to be in double digits, yeah it's just in months but man that went fast. I was reading brietta's post about her youngest who's a week older than Hav. The first line she said was,

"Claire is three quarters through her first year of life. I still find that I think of myself as having a new baby. I have a feeling nobody else does."

I know what she means! I still feel like Haven is a newborn that can't do much but then I look down and she is crawl after me as she calls for me then she pulls herself up on my pant leg when she reaches me and give me the biggest grin with those 6 adorable teeth and that one big dimple and I realize she is NOT a newborn!

So there you have it, me spewing about a little bit of what's on my mind.