Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Is this your first?

Every time someone asks me this question I struggle with how to answer. For most pregnant women this is a very simple yes or no answer, but not for me. If I answer, "No this is not my first pregnancy it is actually my third." Then I usually have to explain that I've had a miscarriage and that my son was born at 26 weeks and died soon after he was born, but it's not that easy or that fun to do so.

Grace was my first and I lost her to a miscarriage at 16 weeks. Then my son, Gideon Uriah, was born 14 weeks early and never left the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.) He died when he was only 6 weeks old. I had major problems and had to be on complete bed rest with both pregnancies. As precaution for this pregnancy I was on bed rest for the first 6 months, praise the Lord that I have had no problems with this one!

When I start getting into the explanation of what happened people start apologizing like there was something they could have done to prevent it. My thoughts on this are please don't apologize because it's not your fault. God was and is in control. He knew what was going to happen. He is the author of life and death and no one else. I am thankful for the time that I had with my first two babies and at the same time look forward to many years with this baby girl.

If they don't apologize they usually feel sorry for Seth and I. When people start feeling sorry for us it is because they see only the negative in the situation. Seth and I see the positive in the position that the Lord placed us in. We have some wonderful memories of Gideon, a pretty good birth story, and we made some life long friends in the process. There are many more positive but one of the best is that while in the NICU we got to lead a family to the Lord! I believe that we will be better parents to our future children because of what we went through with Grace and Gideon. Even though it has been hard it has strengthened our relationship with each other and with God. We know that no matter what happens God is good and He is always faithful!

The other answer I could give is a simple, "Yes" which is hard because it feels like a lie because I have other babies they are just in heaven, but in many ways this is our first. It is the first baby that we will get to bring home from the hospital. She will be the first that Seth gets to hold (I only got to hold Gideon once and Seth never did.) This baby will be the first that I get to nurse and rock to sleep. I could list a million other things that we will get to do with her for the first time and we can't wait. So is it a lie to simply answer yes? I don't know, but it is a question that both Seth and I have struggled with the whole pregnancy.


Dallise said...

I love your blog. It really does make us feel closer to you guys. Thanks for setting it up.

Love ya,

dynamitt said...

I know this post is old.. but have been thinking about this lately. Just like you guys we too have lost 2 babies (one early MC and our son Sami was full term but died when he was just 4 days old.)We are now in the process of trying to have another baby and I have been wondering how to answer those questions...Thanks for making me feel less alone in this.