I know so many people that are in a hard season of life right now. Joshua's mom (& family) who is getting ready to have Joshua around Christmas,who is so thankful that her son is alive but not sure if he will make it through the surgeries her will need. Gideon's doctor had a son that died on the day he was born, 3 days before Gideon's birthday, he would be 20 this year. I wonder what my life will be like when Gideon turns 20. That same doctor had a daughter that was born the same day as her son one year later. Another dear friend is celebrating her sons 9th birthday tomorrow but he died from trisomy-18 when he was 34 days old. She is also pregnant with her sixth! But she is due the day her son died. There is another lady, whom I don't know personally but who's blog I read, that just lost her daughter from the same genetic disorder. She has such a way with her words and does an amazing job of describing her grief. Sometimes it's hard for me to read what she writes because my grief is still to fresh. Her words take me back to the days and months following Gideon's death, a hard place to go to, but they also help me remember. Remember the good times that we had in the NICU, remember that I am a different person today then I was then and I don't want to go back to the me before Gideon, remember to pray for her and others that are now walking were I once walked, remember that sometimes life is hard but God is always good.
I can't believe Gideon's birthday is a week from today. It's totally snuck up on me. I'm not sure if it's because we've been so busy, it's ridiculous how busy, or maybe I've been trying to ignore it because I don't want to think about the fact that another year has gone by and I haven't gotten to hold, kiss, or snuggle Gideon. This year seems harder than last year for me. I think it's because last year we were still in the mist of our grief and it didn't seem real. Plus, this year I have Jericho (PTL) to hold, kiss, and snuggle which makes not having Gideon much more real. Until Jericho was born I didn't know what it was like to get to hold my baby all the time or rock her to sleep or get to decide where she goes or when she eats. Yes, I had a baby before Jericho but I didn't get to do all those things with Gideon so I didn't miss them. When I thought about Gideon before Jericho was born I missed things like staring at him from his incubator, I missed him squeezing my hand, I missed watching his stats, all the beeping and sounds of his machines, I missed being in the NICU with him. Since Jericho has been born there is a whole nother dimension to my grief. I fee like I'm discovering, with Jericho, all the things I missed doing with Gideon but I didn't realize I missed doing them. I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you, but as I type (and I thought I was at a loss for words) I feel like the Lord has just given me some more insight on my grief and why I'm feeling the way I. Grief is like an onion with so many layers, that I have yet to discover, but I will continue to discover until the day I die. It comforts me knowing I will always miss Gideon, my grief will always be there, I won't always be so hard, it many not always seem like I'm grieving, but it will always be there. There are many layers to an onion (grief) and I'm pretty sure that I won't get through all of them before I get to see Gideon, which means I will always miss him. As a mommy I need to know that.
Like I said before Gideon's birthday is next week and we are leave for Georgia after his birthday for a week and I have a lot to do between now and then. Plus I'm at a loss for words right now (I know it doesn't look like it but...) So, I don't know how much I'm going to be blogging in the next 2 weeks. If you think about it please be praying for me and the friends I've mentioned.
If I don't blog you - I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!