Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A lot to say for being at a loss for words!

I have sat down at the computer to many times to count in the last 4 days intending to write but finding myself at a loss. Every time I sit down my mind goes blank. I have a million things on my mind right now, the main one being Gideon, but I don't know how to put any of my thoughts into words. My heart feels heavy.

I know so many people that are in a hard season of life right now. Joshua's mom (& family) who is getting ready to have Joshua around Christmas,who is so thankful that her son is alive but not sure if he will make it through the surgeries her will need. Gideon's doctor had a son that died on the day he was born, 3 days before Gideon's birthday, he would be 20 this year. I wonder what my life will be like when Gideon turns 20. That same doctor had a daughter that was born the same day as her son one year later. Another dear friend is celebrating her sons 9th birthday tomorrow but he died from trisomy-18 when he was 34 days old. She is also pregnant with her sixth! But she is due the day her son died. There is another lady, whom I don't know personally but who's blog I read, that just lost her daughter from the same genetic disorder. She has such a way with her words and does an amazing job of describing her grief. Sometimes it's hard for me to read what she writes because my grief is still to fresh. Her words take me back to the days and months following Gideon's death, a hard place to go to, but they also help me remember. Remember the good times that we had in the NICU, remember that I am a different person today then I was then and I don't want to go back to the me before Gideon, remember to pray for her and others that are now walking were I once walked, remember that sometimes life is hard but God is always good.

I can't believe Gideon's birthday is a week from today. It's totally snuck up on me. I'm not sure if it's because we've been so busy, it's ridiculous how busy, or maybe I've been trying to ignore it because I don't want to think about the fact that another year has gone by and I haven't gotten to hold, kiss, or snuggle Gideon. This year seems harder than last year for me. I think it's because last year we were still in the mist of our grief and it didn't seem real. Plus, this year I have Jericho (PTL) to hold, kiss, and snuggle which makes not having Gideon much more real. Until Jericho was born I didn't know what it was like to get to hold my baby all the time or rock her to sleep or get to decide where she goes or when she eats. Yes, I had a baby before Jericho but I didn't get to do all those things with Gideon so I didn't miss them. When I thought about Gideon before Jericho was born I missed things like staring at him from his incubator, I missed him squeezing my hand, I missed watching his stats, all the beeping and sounds of his machines, I missed being in the NICU with him. Since Jericho has been born there is a whole nother dimension to my grief. I fee like I'm discovering, with Jericho, all the things I missed doing with Gideon but I didn't realize I missed doing them. I don't know if that makes any sense to any of you, but as I type (and I thought I was at a loss for words) I feel like the Lord has just given me some more insight on my grief and why I'm feeling the way I. Grief is like an onion with so many layers, that I have yet to discover, but I will continue to discover until the day I die. It comforts me knowing I will always miss Gideon, my grief will always be there, I won't always be so hard, it many not always seem like I'm grieving, but it will always be there. There are many layers to an onion (grief) and I'm pretty sure that I won't get through all of them before I get to see Gideon, which means I will always miss him. As a mommy I need to know that.

Like I said before Gideon's birthday is next week and we are leave for Georgia after his birthday for a week and I have a lot to do between now and then. Plus I'm at a loss for words right now (I know it doesn't look like it but...) So, I don't know how much I'm going to be blogging in the next 2 weeks. If you think about it please be praying for me and the friends I've mentioned.

If I don't blog you - I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!


Susie said...

I can't say I understand yet...but I understand the layers of grief. I feel guilty sometimes having grief when he's still ok - but I guess I'm grieving for what could have been. I sobbed as I read your post. I realized how much pain you were going through over the past 2 years. It's overwhelming to even think about. You're in my prayers - all three of you.

G. said...

I can't even begin to understand what you must be going through and feeling. I will be praying for you and your friends as well. I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving with your family.

Michelle said...

It sounds to me like the Lord is bringing you understanding and acceptance as He helps you peel the many layers of your onion. He is so faithful that way.

I think what you said makes a lot of sense about the new revelations Jericho brings to your heart regarding Gideon. Although you may be growing painfully aware of what you are missing with Gideon, God has graciously given you joy in all these new moments with your daughter. I guess it can be a very bitter-sweet feeling (one I can't gegin to understand). I pray for you that the sweetness continues to grow for you with each passing day.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving!

shay said...

praying for you guys. i know to some degree what you are going thru. my brother passed away at 18m many years ago. what you wrote hit home for my family. I pray that god gives you the peace that you need and the grief will subside with time and god. love you three

KT said...

We love you guys, and are praying for you....especially these next few weeks. Hope your trip to Georgia goes well!

Michelle said...


Just wanted you to know I changed my blog url to www.notsodailychronicles.blogspot.com.

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

Tarah - you are heavy on my heart. I'm not sure I have any words - just know that I am praying for you and Seth.


Sarah said...

I we know we really don't know each other very much but I usually enjoy reading your blog's, although today this blog broke my heart I can't even begin to try to understand what your going through so I won't even say I do, although I can say that our God is faithful, he will be faithful to give your heart the peace that you need, and another thing I know is that he carries our burdens, I will be praying that you find the time to lay your fear of the unknown greif at the feet of jesus and that he will hold you very close during this hard time. Have a wonderful holiday!

Seth's Dad said...

We love you, Tarah!