Friday, December 14, 2007

Random Thoughts

I can't sleep and so I am blogging. Don't know how smart that is but hopefully at the end of this I will be able to fall asleep and have sweet dreams - not crazy ones like what I've been having.

I'm finding that when I'm thinking about things (I'm very analytical) I tend not to blog as much. I don't know why I don't just blog about what I'm thinking but usually don't. I think the reason I do this is because I'm one of those people that think about and process things in my head first and then I talk or write about them. Seth is the opposite. He process as he talks which means he changes his mind like a million times. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut, although a few smiles tend to sneak out now and then, and let him talk. He is learning to let me think and process things and then waits for me to come to him when I'm ready to finally talk. I think this is why we are so good together, but also why we drive each other crazy. It's quite interesting when we have a big decision to make, especially if it needs to be made quickly.

Now that you know how I work, here are a few of the things, in no particular order, that I've been thinking about: How to be a better wife and mommy. I want to put God first and my family next. Sometimes I feel like I'm way to selfish. I've been struggling with my scheduling. Should I do one load of laundry a day or should I wait and do it once a week? How often should I do my grocery shopping? What days do I want to clean and what days to I want to be in the kitchen baking? How much food should I freeze so we have easy meals? How much time, if any, should I set aside to do things that I enjoy, such as blogging? How much tummy time should I give Jericho? Do I need a schedule or should I just go with the flow and do want needs to be done when it needs to be done? A lot of little things like this have been on my mind lately. I felt like we got into a pretty good routine a few weeks after Jericho was born but lately I have been cooking, I used to be afraid to cook, everything from scratch and I'm finding that I really enjoy it but because I'm still getting the hang of things I've been spending much more time in the kitchen and other things have gotten kicked to the curb. I know that as the weeks pass things will once again fall into place but if you have some time saving tips I'm all ears!

Another thing I've been thinking about is Christmas and why we celebrate. I grew up in the church and I know very well that we Christmas is when baby Jesus was born but this is one of the first years that I have actually thought about the depth of that night. The night that our Savior was born. How different would our lives be if Jesus wouldn't have been born. There truly would be no reason to live. I feel like my eyes are being opened in a whole new way. I need to think on this some more because there are things that I want to say I'm just not sure how to put them in words yet.

I have also been thinking about Susie, Joshua's mommy. I wonder how she is doing and what she is thinking. I pray for her often. It's hard being told that your son is going to die and trying to prepare your heart and your head for that (although there really is no way to prepare for this) while at the same time praying and asking for a miracle and truly believing that it could happen. As a christian mommy that's what you do. You prepare for reality but also believe in your God and your faith. They seem like two parallel lines that never cross (and that's what they are) yet somehow those lines come together but you'll never be able to explain how. You just know that they did and that God's grace made it possible. People will ask you how you got thought it and you will wonder yourself but you won't be able to explain. Some people get the miracle that they pray for, we did twice with Gideon, but other times God's plans are different than what you ask for. How do you prepare for that?

There are other things that have been on my mind too but I'm finally tired. I'm going to go crawl into bed and snuggle with my husband!

P.S. I'm sorry if things don't make sense. It's late!


Susie said...

You were able to say what I've been trying to say for months. Reality and diagnosis vs. the grace and miracles of God. They do seem like parallel lines. You have no idea how reassuring it is to know that someone else understands the pain.... Thank you for praying!

Ginger@From The Cocoon said...

I understand the struggle on the mommy/wife homefront. I have had those same conversations with myself and I've been married 15 years with a 15 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son. I'll be praying that God gives you clarity in your role as wife, mommy, and daughter of the King!!