Sunday, February 3, 2008

Grace


Today is Grace's "Angelversary." She would be 3! Can you believe it? I can't. I can however, hear sweet giggles up in heaven. They are so loud and so happy that I can hear them when I'm really quite, if you are really quiet you might be able to hear them too. I know they are coming from my little girl who is sooo excited that it's her birthday. She thinks she's the luckiest girl ever because she has gotten to spend all 3 years with her favorite person, her Heavenly Father, and she knows that there are many more years to come. What more could a girl ask for! If I knew that, I think I would be all giggles too!

Do you like the term "Angelversary"? I got the saying from Bee. To me an "Angelversary" is the day a baby (or anyone for that matter) goes to Heaven. It's hard to say birthday in the case of a miscarriage or stillborn, although it is their birthday it is also the day they died, the day that you want to forget yet remember at the same time. I think calling it their "Angelversary" is very appropriate. We've always called the day Gideon went to Heaven "Gideon's Day" maybe we'll start calling it his "Angelversary" too. I guess we'll see when that time comes. Thanks for the idea Bee.

After I lost
Grace we decided that we were going to get a Precious Moment in honor of her every year. I collect Precious Moments and there is a series that I had always planned to collect for one of my daughters. They make them up until age 16 and each year the figure is based on the age of the girl. I told Seth about my plans to collect them for one of my daughters and we decided that that series would be perfect for Grace. When we went to purchase the first one we found out that the series is called "Growing in Grace." (the picture above is this years) We were right, it's perfect for our Grace!

I know I don't talk about Grace very much but it's not because I don't think about her. I don't know how many times this week I have or almost have called Jericho Grace. In this post I found myself typing Grace's name instead of Jericho's by accident a few times. Grace has definitely been on my mind. It's just that people have a hard time understanding women that have had miscarriages. It's almost seems that because I don't have pictures of Grace because I never held her or kissed or snuggled her, she didn't exist. That's not the case. I am one of very few women that have experience both a miscarriage and the death of an infant child. Most people categorize these two experiences together. There are, in some aspects, many similarities, but through my experiences I can tell you that they are very different. In some ways having a miscarriage is so much harder but in other ways the death of a child is so much harder. There is really now way to compare the two. (I could go on to explain the difference and might one day but that is for another blog) I guess I say all that to say that I do talk about Gideon more and I think it's because I know people can relate better when I talk about him because I have pictures and story, but please know when I talk about Gideon, Grace isn't to far from my thoughts even if I don't say anything about her. How can I think about one of my angel babies without thinking of the other? I don't think it's possible for this mommy.

I was pregnant for Grace for 16 weeks and I was very aware that Grace was with me. Eight of those 16 weeks were spent on very strict bed rest, as in I could only go to the bathroom and even that was limited and no showers because that was too much standing. I was making daily calls to the doctor (to give him updated info) and visiting him about every other week, most times when I saw him he told me he couldn't believe I was still pregnant (not something you want to here when your pregnant, but encouraging for the kind of problems I was having) It was rough, but I don't regret any of it.

Grace gave me something that none of my other babies could give me - the experience of my first pregnancy. I've always wanted to have a big family and with that came thoughts of pregnancy. As a young girl I remember being fascinated when I would see pregnant women and would wonder what it felt like and how they knew they were pregnant and if they talked to their bellies and a million other things. I remember talking to my belly even before I knew Grace was in there for sure. I'm so glad I did. Those talks I had with Grace were some of the most precious times I had with her and some of my favorite things about her pregnancy. When I became pregnant for Gideon I was a little nervous to talk to my belly for fear of losing him as I did Grace and the same was true when I became pregnant for Jericho and almost more so with her. I wish I had talked to Gideon and Jericho more when they were in my womb but it's how I coped with the things I had experienced. I can't change that now, I do hope to change that during future pregnancies, but I am so glad that that fear wasn't there with Grace because the only time I had with her, when she was in my womb. I loved our tummy talk time!

Before I knew for sure that I as pregnant for Grace I thought that I was and that it was a girl. People kept coming up to me (4 or 5 different times) saying grace be with you, or God's grace on your life, and one time my aunt said, "May Seth give you grace." It was weird, I've never had anyone say that to be before or since, but every time someone would say something like that I would think - grace is with me, I'm pregnant, we're having a girl, and we're going to name her Grace - like I said it was weird. Anyway, I remember taking that 1st pregnancy test with Grace wondering if two little pink lines would ever show up, they didn't. That's right the test showed a negative result, which makes you think you’re crazy when you've totally convened that you are pregnant. Well, I had to go to the doctor (I was having problems and wasn't sure why) the next day and I told them about the test results and that I didn't believe them, so they tested me themselves and sure enough I was right. I was pregnant. Because of some crazy circumstances I had to tell Seth over the phone and it was a little nerve wracking because they thought that I might have a disease (that's the doctor told me at my apt) but they couldn't treat it because I was pregnant (so they sent me to the ER.) It was a crazy day but I remember lying in bed that night asking Seth if he thought it was a boy or girl. He said girl and I agreed. I asked if there were any names that he liked and he didn't have any in mind and because of the previous few weeks I asked if he liked the name Grace. Seth said Grace sounded perfect and from then (I was only 4 weeks pregnant) on she was Grace. We prayed the whole pregnancy that God would give us Grace.

He did, it just wasn't in the form of a baby girl as we had hoped.

7 comments:

Sarah Snyder said...

All that you wrote is so precious Tarah.

Heath said...

Tarah, I've often wondered what were the difficult differences between the two for you guys. Obviously, for us, we were very saddened FOR the two of you with Grace, but very much saddened WITH the two of you with Gideon b/c it was more real for us, not being pregnant ourselves. But we also knew how real and devastating the situation with Grace was. It was just more difficult to relate, no matter how hard we wanted to. I know it won't be an enjoyable blog for you, but I look forward to understanding the different/similar feelings and difficulties that came with the two different experiences with my other niece and nephew. Kiss Jeri Curl and make sure she knows it's from me.

Christina taylor & fam said...

Hi Tarah, its christina, Bryce's wife.. i think you might remember me. yes, i read your blogs, curtisy of being addicted to susies, lol, and when i saw yours, a while ago, i was thriled!! Bryce and i hadnt even known that you had Jericho! Shes beautiful. Anyways, back to why i am commenting... i remember when we were still in class and seth and you were going through Gracie's pregnancy, and then praying again in NZ for Gideon.... i never really new the "story" of Grace, and it was really touching and beautiful how you described it. you are right about women who havent had a misscariage... we dont understand, even now being pregnant, i ask myself... how would i react to possibly losing this baby?? i dont even know if i would name the child.... i know it might sound heartless, but its not intended to be. So i guess i;m saying thank you for your beautiful honesty, you and susie have really opened my eyes.
I'm flying into NY, ie. Elim, on monday, it would be cool if we could get together, i'll be around for a month. if you want to reach me my email is:
christinataylorfamily@yahoo.com

Shootin' It Straight ... said...

I have never read a more raw, unselfish and tender account of a miscarriage. I completely understand. I had two at the same point of pregnancy you did with your sweet angel, Grace. Thank you for putting to words what many, many women feel and cannot express. Your babies are certainly enjoying there time with their Creator. I hope my Sneaker and Roo have them to count as friends.
God Bless you for sharing.

Kim said...

I recently found your blog and I want to thank you for being honest about your baby girl. I have never been through a miscarriage or even pregnant, so I do not feel for your pain. But my heart does ache for you and Seth. Thank you for putting yourself out there to many strangers. I know that Grace is always looking down upon you and your family. I will even say a happy angelvarsary to Grace this evening when I'm saying my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Tarah,

It is hard to believe it has been three years. So much has happened since then! I love that the Precious Moments are called growing in Grace. I feel like that is what this family has been doing since that Christmas Eve you told us you were pregnant with her. We have been growing in Grace with the good (Jericho and Adam and so many other little things)and the bad. The improtant thing is that we keep on growing in what God has for us. Here is to 2008 and new beginnings and many more good things to grow in Grace! We love you and you are in our prayers!

Adam and Thea

Tarrah said...

What a beautiful post!

I also had a miscarriage during the 6th week of my second pregnancy. Even though it was so early it was really hard for us. So many people have said "you were only 6 weeks..." It was a child to me and I can not wait to meet the little one in heaven.

I don't have any feelings wheather or not it's a girl or a boy, I wish I did, I think it would be wonderful to give it a name, But I don't know and I can't wait for the suprise of finding out.