Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Finding Me

I'm on a quest to find me. I've realized that I really don't know who I am. I tend to be whoever people want me to be and I'm sick of that. I want to be me. Nothing more, nothing less. Who am I? I'm not sure but I intend to find out.

Want to know why I've never posted a recipe on this blog because I'm afraid you won't like it. I don't want to be wrong about what food is good. Ya know what I'm realizing. Just because I like a certain type of food doesn't mean that you have to like it. Just because you post a recipe doesn't mean I'm going to like it. How about that. Genies isn't it. Wanna know why I've ever done a "favorite" post on anything because I'm afraid that you won't like my favorites. Guess what even if you don't like my favorites they will still be my favorites and that's okay. I know this stuff is deep isn't it. Seriously though it's something that I've struggled with. But I'm working on it.

So far there are a few things that I have figured out about myself. I like natural peanut butter. It's so much better than other stuff with all the sugar in it. I was afraid to try it but now that I have I'll never go back. I function so much better when I read my Bible first thing in the morning. I also need to work out on a regular basis and do it as early in the morning as possible. I love to blog (I just need to get over worrying about what you think, I need to do it for me, I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else) I really like learning new things especially it it's about God, eating healthy, medical stuff (pregnancy & baby), how to fix up a home, anything really. I like having fun. I haven't had fun on a regular basis in years. I think that's been one of the hardest things that I've discovered so far. I like adventure, being wild & crazy, laughing, dancing, not caring what people around me think & just being silly. That's me but it hasn't been me for a long time. Does that make sense? Somewhere along the lines I lost myself. I became sad & serious. Now I've always been serious to some extend. I'm a thinker, very analytical but this seriousness has been different. It's been a no one can have any fun type of seriousness. That's not me at all. I know that life is not all peaches & cream, ask anybody. Before we lost Gracie and Gideon I was naive. I had been very sheltered from life in a good sense. Losing my babies (and quite a few other thing piled on top of all that) opened my eyes to this not so nice world that we live in. But it's not the worlds fault, I'm not blaming it on the cards that I had been dealt. No, it's my own fault. It's how I've played my cards that got me to where I am. I choose to be sad, to withdrawal from people, to hold back, I was afraid of what else would get taken so I closed my fist and let no one in. Not even Seth & especially not God.

It's a lonely place to get to. Maybe you know someone who is there. Maybe you are there.

I'm not sure when it happened but I finally got to the end of my rope. I was not happy with who I had become because it was not me. I am beginning to find myself again though. I like what I'm seeing. I like knowing who I really am again. I feel like the Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. In the beginning she doesn't really know what kind of egg was her favorite. She always said her favorite kind of egg was the same as whom ever she was dating at the time. At the end of the movie there is a scene where she is in the kitchen and she makes every kind of egg there is. They show her taste each one and she figures out what type of egg is really her favorite. In order for her to know what is her favorite she has to try them all. That's where I am at. I'm trying everything out seeing what fits and what doesn't. It's defiantly a process but it's so worth it. I need to know who I am. I need to find me. I have the best guide ever - God - so I also know that failing is not an option. He will show me the way. He is the only one that can take me all the way to finding me.The Lord has set me free from things that I didn't even know I was enslaved too. I'm glad that I now see it. Each day the My Father is revealing Himself a little bit more to me. I'm learning so much and I will never go back to the person I was. So I end with this a, prayer to my Father. The only one that can truly help me find me because He is the one that created me.

Heavenly Father, I want to be me. I want to be who you created me to be and nothing more. The only way I can find the real me is through you. Guide me on my quest to finding myself. I know that I am first and foremost I am a child of God. That is where my quest begins and ends, with you, your word and your spirit guiding me. You have equip me with the all tools that I need to not just get by in life but to thrive, to be me. May your spirit always be my guide because where your spirit is there is freedom. My freedom in YOU is how I will find me!


Angela said...

Beautiful post! And good luck in your search to find yourself.

Sarah Snyder said...

I love the movie Runaway Bride and I know exactly what you mean! It's important to find out what you like and what defines you as a person. Something I think I am finding out with each and every day. I liked your blog! :)

Deanna @ oneagleswings said...

Hi Tarah! I found your blog through some other Elim people and have really enjoyed reading it. You are very honest and open and it's obvious how much you love your family.

I can completely relate to this post. Good luck on your journey.

By the way, I just tried a peanut butter where the only ingredients are "peanuts and salt". There was no difference and my kids are eating it too.

God bless!

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

Me TOO! All of this whole idea is me too. I am slowly uncovering myself - who I am now because quite frankly I don't want to be who I was.
I am finding out how free-ing it is to just be me, whether anyone likes me or not. God made me unique and I want to be the person He created me to be... It's all kind of fun, actually.

The real Tarah sounds like my kind of girl... :)


Reese said...

You are not alone. I believe that when a woman gets married and when a woman has children life changes. Every woman wants to please her husband and her children and has to find a balance in doing that and staying true to herself. It is a growing (maturing) process that we all go through. In the end, our true beauty will emerge. You will not only find yourself, but you will look back and see that "The Potter" was gently holding you tight so that in the molding process you became what He intended for you to be and nothing less.