Monday, July 7, 2008

A Puddle of Mush

that is how I would describe the contents of my heart this weekend. It started on Friday. We went to the 4th of July parade. One of the first things that we saw/heard were men playing the bag pipes. I love bag pipes. They are so peaceful and soothing.

The moment I heard the bag pipes it was as if I had been transport back in time 2 1/2 years earlier. It was cold and rainy out. There were rows of folding chairs set up under a small tent. The view was spectacular but went unnoticed on that wretched day. I was sitting in the front row Seth was at my side, holding my hand. We were both crying. Weeping as we listened to the sweet sound of Amazing Grace being played on the bag pipes. My heart ached as I thought of why we chose this song. Not wanting to acknowledge the reason for the song, through blurry tear filled eyes I studied the tiny casket that stood before us, knowing that this song being played on the bag pipes was our way of saying goodbye. Everyone knew we were saying goodbye to Gideon; I don't know how many realized that we were also saying goodbye to Grace. Choosing this song to be played on the bag pipes was one of the last decisions that we made on behalf of Grace and Gideon as their parents. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.....

There I was watching the 4th of July parade with tears streaming down my face not seeing or hearing anything. It was but a moment that I was in that other place; as quickly as I was there I was back. This has happened a hand full of times since Gideon has passed and each time it leaves me wondering. What triggers events like this? I know it was the bag pipes this time but each time it is something different. There are times that I'm thinking about Gideon and am conscious of where my thoughts are going. I decide if I'm going to allow that door in my soul to be opened and looked in. Then there are other times such as the one I described that I have absolutely no control over, they just happen. I'm never sure what to think about them. Most times I am embarrassed I'm not sure what is going on and I always end up crying. I am also thankful. Each time it's happened there are details that I can recall when I get transported that I didn't remember before then. It's as if the Lord is allowing me to see what an outsider would have seen. Details that while I was in the mist of everything got overlooked. I cherish those little details, those little treasures that have always been there just never seen. I am now for just a moment getting to see them and I am grateful.

That was Friday, then on Saturday my dear friend and her husband gave their oldest daughter away. It was a beautiful wedding. I held it together fairly well. At the reception the best man gave his speech like normal but when it was the maid of honors turn the groom stood up and spoke instead. You see the bride and one of her sisters were in very serious car accident a little over a year ago. The bride was seriously injured and her sister did not make it. This sister would have been the maid of honor. The groom shared that although this is a joyous day it was bittersweet for the groom and his new bride because of the absence of her sister. I think it was bittersweet for everyone.

There were a few other events that took place that didn't help my already oozing heart. It is always when I'm the weakest that the Lord reveals himself. As we sang Amazing Grace at church (seriously how often is that song sung in your church, not to often in ours, it feels like only when the Lord is trying to get my attention) I could feel His presence, whispering that He is and always has been in control.


Patrice0x0x said...

I just want to tell you I have been reading your blog for a little over a month now, and have maybe only commented a couple times if that. But I had to comment on this post and tell you how your courage and faith has inspired me. I can't imagine going through what you've been through. And it amazes me the way you handle it all and not only that, but you share your deepest feelings about such personal events with us all to read. I had to post and share that you have inspired me to be grateful for the blessings I've had in life... thank you.

Anna said...

Tarah, thanks for writing this:) I've been walking though some grief lately, and it helps to know that it hits other people that way too - unexpected triggers - I've found myself in tears more in these past three weeks than I have in a while. bittersweet memories...I know that I am not as open as you are about things like this, but you do inspire me to open up a bit more. Thank you.