How do I write a letter to you?
How do I express myself when I don't know exactly what I'm feeling?
How do I tell you that I want to know what Heaven is like. I don't want to be there I know my purpose here on Earth is not yet fulfilled, but I want to know what your days are like. How awesome is it getting to praise our creator 24/7? What is your favorite things to do in Heaven? I bet the food is amazing! Do you have a favorite? I want to know what you are doing right now. While daddy, Jericho and I celebrate your 3rd birthday what are you doing?
On your last two birthday I had more thoughts of what life would be like if you were here with us. Somewhere between this year and last I realized that you were never supposed to be here with us. God knew all a long that your life would be short and you were not meant to be with us for long. I'm only just beginning to realize it. This year it has made me look at things differently. It has made me wonder, not what would life be like if you were here, although I still do that on occasion, but what are things like for you, where you're at. When I think of you these are the questions I've been asking myself. I do not dwell on these question long because I know I will not get an answer until I see Heaven with my own eyes, but I have them just the same. Because you are in Heaven I want to know what Heaven is like. What mama doesn't want to know what it's like where her son is living.
You had a doctor while you were in the NICU named Dr. Chess. Do you remember her? You might not remember her but you probably know her son Jacob, he is in Heaven with you, as of last Monday he would be 21. He died the day he was born. I asked Dr. Chess if the pain ever goes away. She sent an email with her answer, "Your wife asked if the pain ever goes away. Unfortunately, the answer is no. Fortunately, as time goes on, the fond memories and a better understanding of what else in one’s life has been enhanced by the situation bring an ever deeper understanding, and with that understanding, a sense of peace. Relish your memories, and enjoy your family, of which Gideon is, and always will be, a part."
Dr. Chess is right Gideon, because of you I have gained a better understanding of how my life has been enhanced. I laugh louder, mourn harder, love deeper, and praise God more, because of you. Thank you son!
Happy 3rd Birthday Bub!
I love you!
I miss you!
To the moon & back,
Mama
3 comments:
The emotions this brings up in me are very strong as I sit here and can't seem to find the spigot to shut off the tears. I know it is multiplied for you guys but I am also proud of the journey God has taken you on and the ability to allow God to change the way you view this situation. Love you guys and can't wait to see you.
Been praying for you all day yesterday and will continue to lift you up in the days to come. God is doing amazing things in you both!!
What a sweet, sweet touching letter to your sweet, sweet baby boy!! I can't imagine the hurt & pain that come from losing a child... but I know you all have such a strong faith in God and know that one day you will hold Gideon inyour arms again!!
BTW- I want to share something with you: i have been following your blog for some time now (I'm not even sure how I got here in the first place) and I am sooo encouraged by uour faith in God. I used to have such a close, specila relationship with Him; but through some trials/tribulations and really hard times in my life, I let that relationship slip away. But I do believe God led me here to read about and witness your amazing faith in Him and that even through hard times He is always there!! Thank you!!
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