Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I miss Gideon

I miss him.

I miss Gideon.

That's all there is to it.

I miss him so much.

I go the privilege to go visit Mercedes in the NICU yesterday and what a privilege it was. She is such a sweet little thing. And Jude the little dude that has so quickly stolen my heart and I haven't even meet him yet. Both of these little ones are in the NICU. Both will get to go home soon. I wish you could understand how tremendously happy and excited I am about this wonderful news. Hearing all the marvelous updates and getting to talk to the parents of these sweet babies has been such a blessing. It's also been a little hard. I can't help but think about our time in the NICU and how different the out come was for us. Please don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself or that I'm wanting your sympathy or that I'm having a pity party, I'm just missing my little man.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my nephew and Mercedes and getting ready for vacation and how big Jericho is getting and how hot my hubby is and how naughty my puppy is (yeah he's been running off again) and a million other things. I have not consciously been thinking much about Gideon but my heart has been thinking about him. I don't know how I can explain this but I know it's true. It's like my heart knows that Gideon's birthday is coming and it can't help but have it's strings pulled in his direction.

Like today for example. I was getting so much done. I baked a bunch of pumpkins so I can puree them later tonight or tomorrow. I got more appropriate clothes (we're going to GA for vacation) out of storage for Jericho. I set a few gifts that we need to take to GA out so that they could be wrapped. I did some laundry and so on. In between it all Jericho and I would read or talk or play. Things were good. Then I lay Jericho down for a nap and sit down for a second and bam! The overwhelming feeling that I am going to cry, no that I need to cry, unexpectedly hit. And cry I did. Not uncontrollably, not loudly, just quiet soft tears that took a while to stop. I knew it was because I was missing Gideon. I had been to busy ,partly on purpose, I hadn't given myself the time that my heart needed to think about Gideon.

At times it's still hard to think about Gideon. It's hard because I want him here with me, yet I do not want to deprive him of what he now has. In Heaven, what Gideon has, with Jesus is far greater than anything Seth or I could ever offer him here on Earth, in our home. Sometimes it's so hard to admit this because as a mommy there is not better place for your child than at home with you. If I could imagine what Heaven is like maybe it would be a little easier to admit, but my mind is not capable of such a task. Every time I try to imagine Heaven I still think that Gideon would be better off with me, so I know that I am not even close to imagining what Heaven truly is like. I know nothing will ever compare to Heaven not even a warm, happy, love filled home like ours. Can you see how my heart it torn? The mommy in me so deeply longs to hold my son again, here on Earth because I am here on Earth, but for Gideon's sake I'm glad he is in Heaven. It's so hard to explain, it's so hard to understand, it's so hard to admit that Gideon really is better off in Heaven where I'm not, simply because it's Heaven.

This doesn't mean that I don't miss him because I do.
I miss him more than I can express.
I always will.

8 comments:

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

I tried to put your heart into mine when I read this post because I truly want to know what you are feeling. I can't understand it all because I haven't been there. Yet, my heart feels your pain AND your joy at the thought of Gideon in his eternal home.

I always think of Gideon this time of year too.

-Andrea

Dr Phil said...

Gideon is in our thought too. I can't believe he will be 3 tomorrow. What a big boy he'd be, helping to take care of Jericho and how fun to watch them play together.

We miss him so much.
Love,
Papa and Moni

KT said...

Tarah, you are such an amazing Mommy...and we have been thinking of Gideon and your family a lot. Love You Guys!

Hilary said...

Tarah,

Just know that Gideon is looking down and loving you everyday..I can only imagine your heart hurt..he's not alone up in heaven..He has my 3 babies and many other to play with..It's ok to cry your his Mommy. I will say a prayer for your heart today...

Anonymous said...

Tarah,
As Andrea said, I can't understand it all, how you are feeling, but please know you and Seth and Gideon and Jericho are in my prayers today. My heart broke for you as I read your family's story. To know my story could have ended so differently and my faith tested so much more. My little Gideon did come home from the NICU in 2005 and I am so blessed for it. I will give him an extra kiss tonight for yours that did not.
Blessings,
-Sonya in Illinois

Smiling Sal :) said...

We've been thinking and praying for you alot these past couple of days. Tears are a language that God understands and He holds every single tear and He will hold you extra close during this time!
You are amazing!

KT said...

Happy Heavenly Birthday Gideon. Thinking of you and your sweet boy.

Emily said...

I have been thinking about you alot this week too - for a few reasons. Realizing that I've been following your blog for over a year now, realizing it was Gideon's birthday, and realizing that I am 27 weeks pregnant and thinking about how scared and upset I would be if our little man was born right now. I can't even imagine what you have been through, but I always admire you for your focus on the wonderful blessings in your life.