Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Connection

Well, somehow my sweet little girl knows which things are Gideon's. She is drawn to them. You already know how she picked Gideon's blanket to be her own, not that I encouraged it once I saw that she liked it or anything, but in case you were wondering I did! I love that she loves Gideon's blanket.

It's not just Gideon's blanket though. A few weeks ago we were in Jericho's room playing. All of a sudden she looked up at her stuffed animals in their pet net and pointed. It was obvious that there was one that had caught her eye, but which one (I mean there are only about 100 up there). So, I picked her up and let her get the one she wanted. It was the white puppy with blue noes, ears, tail and paws. The one you in the pictures. It was the only stuffed animal that Seth and I bought for Gideon when he was in the NICU. It was one of only three stuffed animals that were ever in Gideon's incubator with him.

The day Jericho got Gideon's puppy out of the pet net she carried it around all day long. As I laid Jericho down for bed that night she not only asked for her blanket she also asked for the puppy. I was a little surprised because she doesn't care for anything other than her blanket when she sleeps, not even her baby dolls, which she loves and carries around constantly some days, but I was happy to oblige, even as I did I wondered if the puppy would be in her crib when she woke up. (Anything that Jericho has ever had in the crib, other than her blanket of course, always gets thrown out of her crib, even those baby dolls she loves so much.) In the morning the puppy was still in crib! She has been asking for both her blanket and the puppy during naps and at night ever since.

The colored twisty thing (sorry I never have known what to call it) that Jericho is concentrating so hard on :) was a gift that was given to Seth and I when Gideon was in the NICU. Someone must have known me well. I fidget with things constantly, it's a stress reliever for me, this is the perfect toy for a person who fidgets. After we got this I would sit and twist that thing around my fingers for hours while I watched Gideon, talked to the nurses and hung out (in the NICU) with my hubby. I had forgotten about it till Jericho found it in a drawer and again played with it and carried it around for weeks (I think she is a fidgeter like me.) I'm surprised the memories that came back to me just by seeing it again. The twisty thing was a constant toy in the NICU. I wouldn't allow myself to take it home because I didn't want to forget to bring it back so for 42 days you could find it on my finger or in a tub next to Gideon's crib. But every once in a while I could wouldn't be able to find it. I'd start freaking out (well not really but I was bummed) then I would see Seth start to chuckle a little and I knew. He thought it was funny to steal it and not give it back (at least for a little while.) On those occasions you would find it on his finger (I usually didn't think it was too funny because then I was left with nothing to fidget with but that's why he did it!) He would eventually give it back to me he'd usually make me beg or I would pretend that I didn't want it (although he always knew I did) for long enough that he was satisfied. Oh the sweet memories!

At the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve after kissing my husband and crying a few tears because I missed my Gideon, I snuck into see what my Jericho was doing. She had wapped herself in her brother's blanket. Her way of letting Gideon know she was thinking of him, missing him even though they've never met.

It's obvious there is a connection between Gideon and Jericho they are bother and sister. But Gideon is no longer here, he never was here while Jericho was, so how much of a connection is there? That's a question I've asked myself a lot over the last 16 months. It seems to me that even though Gideon isn't here Jericho knows he once was. Her spirit is drawn to some of his things. I don't know how you can explain it any other way. Maybe it's just that her favorite color is going to be blue so that's why she's drawn Gideon's blue blanket and blue puppy. But it's more than just those two things, many more. Look at that last picture. I check on Jericho ever night before we go to bed and her blanket is never around her like that. Half the time it's on the other side of the crib or by her feet. Why was it that on January 1st, the anniversary of when Gideon died, she wrapped herself up in his blanket?

I'm not looking for answers, I guess in many ways I'm just still baffled by how my 16 month old daughter chooses her brothers blankets, stuffed animals and toys as her favorite time and time again. I'm amazed a the connection that I see between the two of them even thought Gideon is no longer with us. I'm still in awe of how God is using my daughter (who has no clue what happened) to heal the little pieces (the big ones have been healed) of my heart that are still in need of some mending. It just proves to me that I serve a big God that cares about the little things!

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