When I think of New Years, happy is the last adjective that I would put in front of those two words, for the last 3 years this has been the case anyways. Anyone who has lost a child and they will tell you that the day their son or daughter died was not a happy day at all. They would probably tell you that it was one of the, if not the, hardest days of their life. If you have not asked someone who has lost a child about that day I am telling you - It was not a happy day. It was one of the, maybe even the, hardest days of my life. Unfortunately for me the day my son died happens to be the one day a year that is labeled as happy. It's the one day a year, since Gideon died of course, that I don't want to be reminded that's it's happy. So, what do I do?
Well on the day Gideon died, after a very long nap, Seth and I went for a walk. We didn't know what else to do. We had cried and slept more than either of us thought possible. We couldn't handle being cooped up in our apartment with no baby in our arms but no baby in my belly and we couldn't go visit Gideon at the hospital because Gideon was no longer at the hospital. We didn't know what to do with ourselves, so we walked. It was cold, crisp and we were felling a little bitter at the world so it fit. We figured there would be very few people, if any, people outside and that's how we wanted it. The less the better. We we weren't even 2 minutes into our walk when a stranger saw us walking. He looked up smiled, waved and shouted, "Happy New Year" I hated him. Hot tears burned my eyes as I gritted my teeth and grunted under my breath, "It is NOT a Happy New Year!" Two more times similar scenario's took place. Each time a well wisher bidding us a Happy New Year. It was horrid. They might as well have taken a knife and stuck it straight into my heart. Each time my reaction was the same. Seth kept telling me that they had no idea what happened and I shouldn't be mad, they didn't mean anything by it. But it did mean something to me. What was God doing? I know He could have stopped these people. Why didn't He? It all felt like some kind of cruel joke. I didn't understand any of it. I didn't know if I would ever be able to wish anyone a Happy New Years again, if I ever did, I don't think I would actually mean it.
Fast forward to a few months ago. It was late, or I guess I should say early as it was already in the a.m., Tori and I were sitting on the couch talking about Grace and Gideon. Each of us was sharing with the other what was hard about losing my babies. I told Tori the story I just told you and what she said changed how I now choose to look at New Years. She looked at me with the most thoughtful eyes and the sweetest smile, as if she was seeing Gideon herself, and said, "but Tarah it was a Happy New Year for Gideon. It was the day he entered Heaven's gates." She is right. It was a very Happy New Years for Gideon. Each New Year that follows I know he is celebrating the day he entered Heaven's gates. To him every New Year is and will be Happy. Knowing that I can say, and honestly mean it when I say, I wish you a.......
"HAPPY NEW YEARS!"
remembering Gideon on "his day" last year