Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Thinking of Gideon

I don't even know where to start. I've written this post a million times in my head (blogging really helps me think things out.) Sometimes is very sad because I am very sad, other times when I've thought about what I want to write it's more of a thankful blog that's about the God that I love and have come to trust so much in the last 2 years, and still other times I think that I won't even write about Gideon and all that today means for me (& Seth), but that I'll just tell you about how wonderful our holidays were and what a nice time I had when my dad was here and about what I hope the next year might hold (these things are all true.) I'm still not sure what this post is going to look like in the end (sorry if it's very random and I ramble) but one thing I do know is that I will talk about Gideon. How can I not mention my son when two years ago today he took his last breath as I held him in my arms and said goodbye.


The other day I watched this video for the first time since Jericho was born and realized that Gideon and Jericho have a lot of the same mannerisms. The way Gideon moves his arm (in the video) is exactly what Jericho does every time she is nursing. Realizing they both have very long skinny fingers. Seth and I watched it right before I added to the post and Seth kept saying he couldn't believe how alike Gideon and Jericho were. As we watched we realized that they both have the same shaped eyes and how they move them is very similar. It's easy to forget the movements and such of one child as they get older (or are no longer here) especially when you bring another baby home and get used the their movements. It was nice watching this video and being reminded of how my sweet boy moved and looked around. It was fun watching it (after watching Jericho everyday) and knowing that there is no denying that Jericho and Gideon are sister and brother. I needed that reminder this week.

Lately I've been watching Jericho watch Gamba. Her eyes get glued to him and there is nothing that can distract her. It's cute; she loves her puppy and smiles every time Gamba walks up to her. I love watching it, yet my heart aches a little each time too because I think about how she should be watching her big brother. If Gideon were here I know he would be trying to make her smile and giggle every chance he got and Jericho would adore him.

Thinking like this hard because it makes me miss Gideon so much more. When I do start thinking about all the "what ifs" I once again start asking God why. Why did everything turn out the way it did? I feel like the Lord always brings me back to the fact that he knew Gideon would never be 2 yrs old here on Earth. Gideon would never plant kisses atop his baby sisters head, he would never run into his mommy or daddy's arms and give them a big hug while tell us how much he loved us. No, Gideon was not meant for this world, at least not for long. God knew that Gideon would come and change our lives forever, for the better, he would teach us to pray and trust and love and so much more, but he was not to stay.

None of us are made for this world. It's just a matter of time before the Lord calls us home. Just a matter of time and what we do with it. It's very hard when the Lord chooses for you to stay on Earth but calls a loved one of yours home. I'm jealous of Gideon in many ways, but I'm honored that the Lord knows that I can handle being here even after He took Gideon home. My God knows that I will live for Him and trust Him and try my hardest to do His will while I am still here. He also knows that I will mess up and question Him and miss Gideon and get angry and frustrated that my son is not here, but he will forgive me and comfort me and once again show me the way. I know that I have a purpose and a calling on my life and until I fulfill that purpose I know that my place is here on Earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Gideon also had a purpose and a calling on his life (everyone does) and there is also no doubt in my mind that Gideon fulfilled his purpose and calling in life.

6 comments:

Heath said...

Love you guys and we too talk about the what if's regarding Gideon's interactions with his cousins and will stand with you guys to never forget him and the impact he had, worldwide, during his few days here.

Susie said...

I'm so glad that you did write about Gideon. I was hoping you would. My mother keeps telling me that Joshua's days are numbered by the Lord and that he'll accomplish his purpose in that time. It's hard to accept that kind of answer, when I want another one. I hope we see similarities in Joshua and Oceana. I think in some ways that will help me to remember - by watching her face, and watching her play. I'm so glad that Jericho and Oceana have special brothers, ones that won't be forgotten. **Hugs** for you today. I had contractions in the night, and it's really sad to think we're at the end already...

KT said...

I am so glad you wrote about Gideon too. It is amazing how the Lord used, and is still using his life to touch so many people...including Mark, K and I. The video is so precious.

trying said...

So beautifully written....

I cant imagine having to say goodbye to a little one. You seem to have such strength and courage. God bless you and keep your little ones here and in heaven, safe.

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

I too am glad you wrote about Gideon. I was wondering if you were going to. Yours and Seth's lives are an amazing testimony.
Sweet, sweet Gideon. I'll bet you are taking great care of your big sister Grace and just waiting for your mommy and daddy to come Home.

What a reunion it will be.

-Andrea

Sarah Snyder said...

I'm not sure how I came across your blog but we must know some of the same people. I graduated from Elim in 2003. Anyway...January 11th, 2008 would have been the 2nd birthday of our first child who I miscarried at 12 weeks...since then we have gone through 3 miscarriages. I am not sure what your situation was in losing Gideon but somehow it was comforting to know that maybe our children are playing together up in heaven. As I read your blog I could relate to many of the same things...although I can't imagine losing a baby after birth. Good thing we serve an AMAZING God!