I don't even know where to start. I've written this post a million times in my head (blogging really helps me think things out.) Sometimes is very sad because I am very sad, other times when I've thought about what I want to write it's more of a thankful blog that's about the God that I love and have come to trust so much in the last 2 years, and still other times I think that I won't even write about Gideon and all that today means for me (& Seth), but that I'll just tell you about how wonderful our holidays were and what a nice time I had when my dad was here and about what I hope the next year might hold (these things are all true.) I'm still not sure what this post is going to look like in the end (sorry if it's very random and I ramble) but one thing I do know is that I will talk about Gideon. How can I not mention my son when two years ago today he took his last breath as I held him in my arms and said goodbye.
The other day I watched this video for the first time since Jericho was born and realized that Gideon and Jericho have a lot of the same mannerisms. The way Gideon moves his arm (in the video) is exactly what Jericho does every time she is nursing. Realizing they both have very long skinny fingers. Seth and I watched it right before I added to the post and Seth kept saying he couldn't believe how alike Gideon and Jericho were. As we watched we realized that they both have the same shaped eyes and how they move them is very similar. It's easy to forget the movements and such of one child as they get older (or are no longer here) especially when you bring another baby home and get used the their movements. It was nice watching this video and being reminded of how my sweet boy moved and looked around. It was fun watching it (after watching Jericho everyday) and knowing that there is no denying that Jericho and Gideon are sister and brother. I needed that reminder this week.
Lately I've been watching Jericho watch Gamba. Her eyes get glued to him and there is nothing that can distract her. It's cute; she loves her puppy and smiles every time Gamba walks up to her. I love watching it, yet my heart aches a little each time too because I think about how she should be watching her big brother. If Gideon were here I know he would be trying to make her smile and giggle every chance he got and Jericho would adore him.
Thinking like this hard because it makes me miss Gideon so much more. When I do start thinking about all the "what ifs" I once again start asking God why. Why did everything turn out the way it did? I feel like the Lord always brings me back to the fact that he knew Gideon would never be 2 yrs old here on Earth. Gideon would never plant kisses atop his baby sisters head, he would never run into his mommy or daddy's arms and give them a big hug while tell us how much he loved us. No, Gideon was not meant for this world, at least not for long. God knew that Gideon would come and change our lives forever, for the better, he would teach us to pray and trust and love and so much more, but he was not to stay.
None of us are made for this world. It's just a matter of time before the Lord calls us home. Just a matter of time and what we do with it. It's very hard when the Lord chooses for you to stay on Earth but calls a loved one of yours home. I'm jealous of Gideon in many ways, but I'm honored that the Lord knows that I can handle being here even after He took Gideon home. My God knows that I will live for Him and trust Him and try my hardest to do His will while I am still here. He also knows that I will mess up and question Him and miss Gideon and get angry and frustrated that my son is not here, but he will forgive me and comfort me and once again show me the way. I know that I have a purpose and a calling on my life and until I fulfill that purpose I know that my place is here on Earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Gideon also had a purpose and a calling on his life (everyone does) and there is also no doubt in my mind that Gideon fulfilled his purpose and calling in life.