Sunday, May 2, 2010

Riding Waves

Sometimes my heart just misses Gideon.

I had just gotten to church, dropped Jericho off in her class, handed the baby to Seth (because he asked for her.....that'll make any mama's heart melt right there!) and started to worship. I don't even know what song we were singing but I immediately got teary eyed (as I am now) I was thanking God for, well, husband, our girls, my church, the fact that I can worship God freely, for where we were at and where we've been, I just felt so thankful yet.....I was sad.

I knew that I was missing Gideon. I don't know how to explain that I know that it's Gideon I'm missing I just know. It's a different sad I feel when I miss him. Different than anything else.

Sometimes when I feel like this....I feel silly. I know I shouldn't I mean he was my son! It's not silly that I miss him. I also know why I feel silly, it's because I'm blindsided. I'm going along just fine and BAM this wave comes out of nowhere. It knocks me over and takes the wind right out of my sails.

I am leaning that grief comes in waves. It is not bad, it is not good, it is life, with life comes death, with death comes grief, grief comes in waves, so I am learning to ride some waves.


Sarah McMillian said...

Thanks Tarah, that was beautiful

Dr Phil said...

At the bank, I have a family photo from Thanksmas and people will often ask about the family. Sometimes I talk about Gideon and, wham, here come the tears, out of the blue. I know what you mean.

Noel said...

Thanks for your honesty! I know what you mean. For some reason, all my walls come crumbling down in church and I can't stop the tears - especially when the entire congregation is singing. I like your blog, by the way.