Joshua got promoted to Heaven early this morning (Friday - in the states) His mommy said that he went peacefully and they were able to love on him and say good bye.
I'd like to think that Joshua and Gideon have already met and are becoming fast friends. That Gideon is telling him how awesome Heaven is because now he'll get to spend every moment praising the God that created him, the God that made him whole and complete with no pain the moment he got to heaven, the God that will comfort his mommy and daddy in the days to come, the God that knew that his life was not a mistake, the God that knew that he would live for 67 days before coming home.
Even though I think that Joshua and Gideon are enjoying themselves in a better place it doesn't take away the pain, the ache, the sting of a parents heart. It doesn't change the fact that Matt and Susie would do anything in their power to bring Joshua back.
This side of Heaven is not easy when your child is on that side of Heaven. It never will be. It shouldn't be.
Please continue to pray for them. Visit their website and encourage them, let them know you are praying. They need to know it. They need to hear it. It's true that words are no good at a time like this but at the same time in an unexplainable way they are needed. Don't give them answers, don't tell them that he is better off, just love them, pray for them, let them know that even though Joshua is gone he will not be forgotten, that they are not forgotten.
While I was pregnant for Gideon and while we were in the hospital with him we got so many emails, cards, letter, phone calls, etc from people telling us that they were praying for us and Gideon. We were so thankful and we greatly appreciated this, it's what carried us many times. However, after Gideon died it seemed like everyone was gone. I know people were still praying for us because that's is the only way that we made it thought. BUT very few people told us that they were praying for us afterwards. That was hard. We needed to not only feel the prayers but HEAR that people really were there for us even though Gideon was gone. I remember talking to a friend a few weeks after Gideon's promotion and she asked how we were doing. I remember telling her that we needed prayer now more than ever and asking if people realized that. As hard as it was when Gideon was in the hospital and our life was upside down and we never knew what was coming next and they told us Gideon was going to die every other week we could deal with it because he was HERE he was with us. It was when he was GONE that we couldn't deal, that we couldn't handle it, that we needed to know people were there for us.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that Matt & Susie's life have been turned upside down never knowing what to expect since they heard about Joshua's problem but they could deal with it because Joshua was still alive. If they are feeling any thing similar to what Seth and I did after Gideon died it feels as if you can't deal - with anything - because your child is gone and that's all you can think about. Because of this they need to know that they are not getting dropped at the side of the road. Sometimes that's what it feels like after you lose a child - like you are contaminated and if others get to close it's going to rub off on them so everyone stays away. I know that this is not true but I also know that this is what it feels like sometimes. I think it's just because people really don't know how to handle death and because everyone handles death differently so you never know how others are handling it or what they are thinking - which makes things even harder because you don't want to say the wrong thing or say something stupid or make someone cry. First let me say that people who are grieving are going to cry and it's not a bad thing, sometimes it's much needed. I guess the best thing is to pray and use discernment because everyone is different but I encourage you that if you get a strong urge to write or call someone that is grieving please do it. Don't second guess yourself there is probably a reason that you are getting that urge - they need to hear from someone.
One more thing I want to add. This is from my own experience (again use discernment) but if you are thinking about a child that has passed for some reason don't be afraid to share it with the parent. We think about our children who have gone before us often and are honored when others are thinking of them and would love to hear about it. Don't be afraid to bring them up on their birthday or their angelverary (promotion day) it's not like we've forgotten - we are thinking of them especially on those days. Again this is from my own experience but most parents that I have talked to that have lost children have felt the same way.
4 comments:
Hi Tara,
My name is Danielle- I went to EBI and was in the same class as Seth. I remember what happened with Gideon- I was not there for his birth, I was home from Elim myself pregnant. I wanted to thank you for your post. Susie and I are good friends and I was talking to my mom last night thinking exactly what you are writing. Although it is not the same level, I lost my boyfriend after 5 years of dating and I remember after feeling worse than when it happened. Having my own son, I CANNOT imagine losing a child, but the pain I feel thinking about it cannot be as bad as it truly feels. I am also standing with Susie and Matt during this time, I am so sure that this is the worst part right here. My heart breaks.. Thank you for your insight, it does answer a lot of questions. God Bless!
Tara,
You don't know me, but I was in Seth's class with Susie and Matt. I lost my baby last November, so I can totally relate with all you are saying and am still grieving the loss of my little one. I am also friends with Sarah Snyder, and she has really helped me alot through grieving, since she lost 3 of her babies. It is so true that people care when you are immediately in the situation, but tend to forget afterwards. I have been thinking a lot about Susie and Matt, and , you're right, we need to keep encouraging them even afterwards, because we know ourselves that it gets tough after the hugs stop and people forget. Thanks for your insight.
Outside looking in - I understand where you are coming from and what you are saying because I have lost loved ones also – although never a child. Having been on both sides, it is hard to know the right thing to do to show you that we care. You want to ask them about their loss, ask them how they are really doing, and extend comfort, but at the same time, you do not want to pick at the scab that has begun to cover the pain of their situation. Also, there are many times that you do ask, and people really don't want to talk about the situation or they say that they are fine – they try to mask the pain. I find that this is hard because you want to be there for them and offer comfort, but at the same time we play this game that everything is ok - when it really isn't. I know that your loss never leaves your mind and honestly, your pain is always at the forefront of our minds when we are with you. I think that so often, we are all at a loss for words when we are around someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one because we don't want to inflict more pain and reopen the wound that is trying to heal. I think it is hard on both sides - on your side, you want people to talk to and hug and cry with and we on the other side are not really sure what the right thing is to do. We care deeply for you and our hearts ache not only for the pain that you are experiencing, but also because we do not know how to offer the comfort that is so desperately needed. I continue to pray each day for those who have lost their babies and loved ones, because I know that even though I do not know the right words to say, the Holy Spirit will pray on my behalf for you. Just know that I do care deeply for each of you and pray daily for you that God will continue to hold you tightly and wipe each tear that comes. But please know that we have not forgotten about you and the pain that you bear, we daily do the only that we know and that is to lift you before the Lord as he is the only one that can really offer the comfort that you need. I hope this makes sense and please know that we daily pray for those who have lost a loved one!!
Tarah-
We DO think about Gideon, often. You mentioned in your blog that you go to his gravesite on the 20th of each month, to reflect and to remember. So, on the 20th, I stop and think of Gideon, and pray for you & Seth.
He will not be forgotten!
-The Pellicanos
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