What to do with a heavy heart?

Can you tell when I'm having a hard time blogging? I always wonder if you can.

I find it the hardest to blog when my heart is heavy. I like being open & honest with you and when I can't do that I shy away. I hate when there are things I can't share you but that's how it must be. I'm afraid it will always be like that in some ways. Won't it or will it? I'm not sure. That's an aspect of blogging that I haven't quit figured out yet.

It's always been hard for me to talk about fluff (as my mom calls it) when there is some heavy, hearty meat stuff going on. When meat is in front of me I want to talk about it, I want to think about, I want to pray about it, I want to find a solution for it. For me trying to blog about fluff stuff when my heart is heavy is like trying to ignore the elephant in the room. Some people are really good at it - I am NOT!

Yet, there is nothing wrong with stopping to smell the roses, so to speak, even while my heart is heavy. I think I can do both. I'm trying. Is it working? I guess you are the only ones that can answer that question.

What's up, Doc?

Do you have a doctor? Is he/she a good one? Do you want to change doctors? How did you pick your doctor? Do you see a family practitioner? Do your kids go to a pediatrician while you & your hubby go to a primary care physician? Do you live in the area? Would you recommend your doctor?

If you haven't guessed from the 20 questions above I need a doctor. About a year ago we got a letter in the mail saying that our doctor was relocating out of state and we needed to either find another doctor ourselves or they would randomly select one for us. I don't know about you but seeing a doctor that has been selected for me at random really isn't my cup of tea. I mean I'm sure she is a nice lady and all but to trust my care into her hands just isn't gonna happen. What's funny is that I don't really remember the doctor that sent us the letter in the first place (I only saw him once.) I guess it's a good thing; I think that means that I'm healthy. Still I need a doctor. I will get one that I selected myself!

Doctors are one thing that I tend to stress about. Usually I put off picking (or seeing) one till the last possible moment, which drives my husband absolutely cRaZy! The Lord has been gracious with me and has always led me to doctors that I love and feel comfortable with. The only reason I picked an OB so soon after I got up here (3 months) is because I was pregnant and I started having problems. I wasn't about to put off getting a doc in that type of situation. I asked one person. Thankfully she loved her OB and highly recommended him, I didn't have time to ask anyone else so I called and made an appointment. 4 years, 3 pregnancies, and 1 delivery later (my care was transferred to the high risk pregnancy team when I made it to 24 weeks for Gideon, but my doc did call and check on me regularly until I had Gideon. After Gideon after he was born my doc called the NICU and check on Gideon regularly. I was pretty impressed!) he is still my doctor. He's wonderful and now I highly recommend him to friends.

I put off picking a pediatrician for Jericho till the last minute too. I was due in less than 6 weeks. I didn't want to make the decision but knew it had to be done. How could I pick someone who was going to care for my child when she was sick, when I haven't even met this child yet? It just seemed weird to me. What if for some reason I liked wanted one doctor and Seth wanted another? What if Jericho didn't like the doctor? I never thought that I could actually change doctors if I wanted too. I thought once we choose we were stuck. Once I realized that if for some reason we didn't feel comfortable with the pediatrician we choose we could change I felt a little better about the whole process. There was really no need to worry about any. Seth and I agreed on a pediatrician. Jericho loves her. I believe that she has Jericho's best interest in mind at all times and I love how she talks to and interacts with my daughter. It's an added bonus that the staff prays together before they start the day each morning & that many of the nurses are close friends.

So, after having such good experiences of picking doctors (and not wanting too) and really liking the ones picked, why am I so hesitant about doing it once again? Why have I been dragging my feet for almost a year? Maybe I just think that because I'm in pretty good health that having a primary care doctor is not as big of deal. I have an OB, do I really need a regular doctor too? I know I do I just don't like going through the whole picking process.

I know you don't want me to get in trouble with the hubby so tell me what is the best way to pick a primary care physician. How did you find yours? What makes you feel comfortable with your doctor? What is on your must have list when it comes to primary care physicians?

Good Morning

I pray you have a wonderful, marvelous, joy filled day today!

Who needs a nap - you tell me!

The daddy & the puppy aren't having a hard time falling asleep for their nap today but the baby sure its which means the mommy won't be getting one which is too bad because she was actually going to take one today.

My Dancin Diva

Jericho loves music. She also loves dancing. She is always dancing and she always has the biggest smile on her face while she is dancing. I love it! I'm trying to figure out if she likes music or dancing more! I've decided that maybe they come hand in hand and there is no way to separate one from the other. If Jericho sees us walking over to the radio she will start dancing even if the music isn't on yet, she doesn't care she knows the music is coming. It's the cutest thing; she is the cutest thing! My heart swells to see that at such an early age she already has love for music.

I did it!

I'm still not sure how but I made chocolate chip cookies without eating any. No batter tastin, no chocolate chips sneakin, no beater lickin, no bowl cleanin, nothing. Can anyone say - TORTURE! It was hard! I'm off sugar for the time being which actually hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I just don't make anything or keep anything in the house that has sugar in it. Chocolate chip cookies obviously have a little sugar in em so I obviously can't have em. Bummer! But my sister is having friends over tonight and we are having company tomorrow so I made them. How did I have enough self control? Well, I may have put a few cookies in the freezer so that Seth and I can enjoy them when this fast is over - may have!

Cloth Diapers

Have I told you yet that I want to change to cloth diapers? I know, most of you are thinking why in the world would you want to do that. Then there may be a select few that think good for you, go for it, just don't ask me to watch you kid. I wonder how many of you are thinking that's all we did back in the day and my kids survived (I was one of those children)

Why haven't I made the switch? That's a very good question. Mainly because it's a big upfront cost and I want to know what I'm getting, so I've been researching. At first I was thinking prefolds, pins, covers, the whole 9 yards. They seemed to be the cheapest and that was one of the reasons for the switch. Then reality hit. If I was going to use cloth diapers I wanted it to be as easy as possible. I wanted to know that Jericho's diaper would get changed if her daddy was home alone with her. If we were using prefolds I'm not so sure that would happen. So, I stared looking into Fuzzi Bunz and bum genius. No pins, no diaper covers, all in one cloth diapers with snaps or velcro now that is my kind of cloth diaper! Seth even said that he could & would change cloth diapers like that! I just wonder what he'd do with a poopy one when he was done changing her : )

We have been looking into (I've been looking into and telling Seth what I find) and saving money for cloth diapers for awhile now so I was so excited when I saw that baby cheapskate is giving away 12 bum genius cloth diapers to one lucky mommy. I even joined twitter so I could get an extra entry in! I'll let ya know if I win!

So tell me have you ever used cloth diapers? If so what kind? Did it work for you? Would you ever switch to cloth after using disposables?

Heaving, Humming Birds & Bucks of all kinds

I woke up at ten after six to the dog heaving at the door. I tried to open it as quick as I could and get to the front door to do the same but it wasn't quick enough. Gamba threw up right in front of the front door. Oh and he managed to get it on my shoes that were sitter there too. What a wonderful way to start your day - Not! While frantically trying to open doors and get the dog out the baby woke up screaming. She usually wakes up crying because she's hungry and ready to nurse the moment her eyes open but she usually insn't screaming, today she was screaming! I think all the commotion woke her up and scared her, she usually isn't up that early either. So instead of cleaning up the little gift that Gamba left I threw a towel over it and went to tend to my daughter.

After feeding her I checked her diaper. She almost always poops with in 1 hour of waking up and she usually isn't very wet so sometimes I wait until she does her business and then change her. This morning she was wetter than normal and has been battling a little rash so I changed her. Within minutes she pooped. Little stinker (literally) I was hoping she would wait at least a half hour before I would have to change her again. Since she has a rash and her diaper was really wet this morning and she just pooped I should be able to let her crawl around and air out for a little while before the situation gets too dangerous and I'm having to clean up another mess. So, off she goes buck nakie lovin ever minute and it was only minutes before she peed everywhere. So much for airing out. Into the tub she went again before I went to clean up the mess.

Sometimes mornings like these drain me but not today. Today I am feeling especially cheery and thankful. Thankful for my daughter, thankful for my dog, thankful for my life even if it means cleaning up others bodily fluids because those others are others that I love.

This morning wasn't all cleaning messes either. I also got to see God's hand in nature as I watched 2 little humming birds flitter to and fro gathering nectar from our gorgeous trumpet vines that grow right outside my kitchen window. Then on our walk I saw a beautiful buck bound across the street into the field were were passing. He was confident and majestic just how God's creatures should be.

Lessons from Miss Lucile

We have a sweet little old lady that lives in a little trailer on the corner of our property. Seth and I have talked with her on a number of occasions and she seemed sweet enough but we think she is starting to lose her marbles a little bit. You see we hear the same stories over and over every time we talk to her. I know that I repeat stories to people sometimes but not 3 or 4 times in the same conversation. Because of this reason we have, at times, kept our distance probably more than we should. I hate to admit it but for a long time I saw her as a time waster, but oh how that Lord is changing my view.

I think I've mentioned before that I love to bake. I get in these moods where I feel like I will go crazy if I don't bake something. So much so that sometimes I get a little too zealous and bake a few to many somethings. Which results in me burning myself out from baking for a few weeks, okay days. It's a horrible habit to get in.

The last few, too many than I want to admit, months when I have had this baking frenzy feeling I've known that I was supposed to take some baked goods over to Miss Lucile. But I never did. I would find every excuse in the book as to why I could not take my homemade baked goods over to her. Every time I failed to share my sweet treats it would eat at me. When the baked goods were gone I would cringe, I knew they were meant for Miss Lucile, but I wasn't sharing. For awhile I stopped baking because I couldn't handle it. I don't know why I didn't just take something, anything over to her it would have done my mind and heart a world of good. Instead I chose to disobey. I chose to be selfish. I didn't want to be bothered with her. I didn't want to waste my time. I had better things to do. Plus, she would never know the difference if I didn't bring her anything. It wasn't like I told her I would or anything. Sadly, I started avoiding her at all cost too because of the guilt I felt.

The other day I was praying for Seth and I about our future and some decisions that we would have to make. At the end of my prayer I asked the Lord to bless us but before I could finish asking for those blessing I felt like the Lord said, "Tarah do you think I'm going to bless you when you don't bless the people I tell you to. People like Miss Lucile?" OUCH! That was my first thought. I can honestly say that my second thought was to repent and ask for forgiveness and my third was to figure out what I could bake for Miss Lucile. I'm glad to report that tonight Miss Lucile got her very own loaf of pumpkin bread! I made it last night and tried to take it to her then but she didn't answer. I know this wasn't an accident, the Lord was testing me. He wanted to see if I would venture over there a second time to deliver the goods. After failing this test too many times before I was not going to do it again, although sadly the thought to not return did cross my mind, but I did not give in. I successfully delivered the pumpkin bread to Miss Lucile. She was thrilled that I not only stopped by to say hello but that I brought food. Of course she insisted that I come in and share a piece with her and I graciously obliged. I ended up staying for 45 minutes. In those 45 minutes I don't know how many times she told me she was so excited that I stopped by or how many kisses on the cheek she gave me or how many multiple stories I heard but it didn't matter because ya know what I actually enjoyed myself. I am pretty much convinced that I need to visit Miss Lucile on a semi-weekly if not weekly basis. I have plans. Plans to have her over for dinners, take her on outings, taking my sweet baby girl over to visit. I'm not sure where these plans have come from or why I'm so excited about them but I think I'm going to act on them. Maybe the visit wasn't just for her benefit. Maybe I need Miss Lucile as a friends just as much as she needs me. Maybe this was about more than just baked goods and obeying. Maybe God does know what He's doing - imagine that! Ya, I'm pretty sure He knows exactly what He is doing!

A Quote From My Dad

*Updated with a picture*

Isn't it scary how much he looks like the wii character we created for him!

"I'm going to have a stinking heart attack and die from playing this wii!" as he falls on to our chair exhausted and way out of breath. After watching him play and then hearing this Tori and I proceed to laugh hysterically, so hard that we were crying. Yes, the wii was well worth it.

Sometimes...

I need to be reminded of how little she is

Randomness

We are going on vacation! Whoohoo! A family vacation just the 3 of us. When you don't live close to family the only vacations you take are to visit them. This isn't a bad thing. I love visiting our families but sometimes ya just need to get away from everyone and everything. That is what we are doing. We are going to Georgia. Seth's grandma owns a beautiful piece of land down in southern Georgia. She is not living there at the moment and so her house sits empty begging for visitors. Have no fear little house we are coming!

My dad called me yesterday and said he was thinking about coming up for the weekend if we weren't busy. He arrived early this morning and we've been enjoying his company ever since. It's nice having last minute company especially when it's family! It seems that since my sweet baby girl has been born this has happen a lot more often. Hmmmm I know if I didn't live close to that cute little bundle of joy I'd be finding every excuse to come see her too!

Jericho is a doll. I love watching her. Her little mind goes a hundred miles an hour. The girl never stops. Sometimes she sits and just watches people or animals. I can tell she is trying to figure them out. She'll look to me for answers. She wants me to tell her what's going on. She wants to know. Other times she hasn't a care in the world. It's just her and whatever toy she is playing with. She'll sit and sing or talk to it for hours. Then she catches me watching her and she gets the biggest grin on her face as she comes crawling towards me for a hug. I'm convince the hug is more for security reasons, from being embarrassed that she was caught in her own little world, then out of wanting some lovin from her mama. Oh how I can't get enough of her!

I feel like my life is one big blur right now. I blink and the day is over. I have no idea what I did for the day or what needs to be done tomorrow. Do you ever feel like that? How do you make the blur stop? How do you slow life down? There are so many things needing attention that I don't know where to start. Some of them are big and others are little but they all need attention just the same. I know it's just the phase we're in but it's not my favorite phase to be in.

I have a million questions on my mind right now. There is only one that can answer these questions. God. I'm not sure if the time has come for me to know these answers yet. It's hard to wait for answers but God's timing best. So, I will wait for my answers and try to do it patiently. I know it will be worth it.

It's the mist of being patient and trying to wait for me answers, the Lord is pruning me. Being pruned is not fun. It actually hurts. But again I know it's worth it. I would rather go through this yucky pruning process and produce good fruit in the end then not be pruned and produce bad fruit.

I have the best husband in the world. He is putting laundry up for me right now so I can finish this post. What a good man. I do not deserve him but I'm so glad that I have him!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend. I plan too!

I will not hold back anymore!

Seth, love of my life, my peanut butter, my one my ONLY, my other half,

Life is so sweet when I share it with you. I wish I could put into words all the things I feel inside when I think about you. At times I feel like I'm going to bust at the seams trying to hold back all the love I have for you. Why do I hold it back? I'm not sure. I am afraid of it. I've never seen someone love somebody else as much as I love you. I'm afraid that if I let it all out it will be to much. I don't know if there can ever be to much love for one person but it's possible then I'm there. I don't want to hold it in. I'm working on letting it all out but it's hard. I want you to see and know that I am absolutely, positively, over flowingly, profusely and abundantly in love with YOU! It's scary realizing that you are so incredibly in love with someone that you don't know if you could function without them, if you could live without them. I don't ever want to have to live with out you. Seth, I am afraid to admit how much I love you. I am afraid for anyone to see how crazy I am about you. I am afraid to lose you.

I decided something today. I decided that I am not going to hold back any more, Seth. We've already lost too much, too many times. Those loses are the reason why I've held back in the first place but I can't do it anymore. I'd rather love you with every fiber of my body and than hold back just because I am scared to lose you. I've been telling myself that I would be better off if I hold back because then I were to lose you it wouldn't hurt so bad. That's a lie. It would hurt worse. It would be unbearable. How could I live knowing that I didn't show you and everyone else how much I love. How desperately I need you. I'm sorry I've been believing this lie but the light has come and I am afraid no more. Well, I'm still a little afraid but I know in the end this choice is the one I want. The one I choose without looking back. I don't want there to be any doubt in any ones mind, especially yours, of how much I love you. I need you like a fish needs water. You complete me in every way. God created me for you.

There is a song called When God Made You by Natalie Grant & Newsong it's a wonderful song but there are a few things that I would change. You see I don't wonder what God was thinking when he created you. I know. God was thinking of me when he created you! He knew everything that I needed in a husband and he put all that everything in you. I know God heard every prayer that I prayed when I was asking for a husband because all my prayers were answered in one simple, handsome, talented, God fearing, amazing man. Seth, you are everything I've ever wanted or dreamed of and so much more!

One of my favorite parts in the song is when the girl sings:
I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
And I will love the ones you love
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life
(emphasis added)

You - Seth - are perfect for me! The day you were born 26 years (and 1 day) ago God was thinking about me and how perfect we would be (are) together. Whenever and wherever you go I will be with you. With all my heart I will follow you. With every ounce of my being I will love you.

To the moon & back & a lot more,
Tarah

Wii had a blast!

This weekend has been a whirlwind of fun. It started on Friday, as most weekends do, running up to the city to pick up Seth's gift, sadly and no so sadly he was with me (more on this later.) Then on Saturday we celebrate Tori's birthday with dinner out. Sunday was Seth birthday which started out with him speaking in the adult service, where he did an amazing job bringing the word of God! You can go here to listen to it. Then we home to relax and play with his gift and prepare his favorite meal. He is totally and completely all American with his choice of burger and fat french fries!

I had a great gift in mind for Seth (his birthday was yesterday but I didn't get to post because we've been so busy) and I was hoping it was going to be a big surprise. Seth likes surprises but I have an issue with them. Pretty much I hate them. It is foreign to me that people actually enjoy being unprepared. Planning is good. Preparation is good. Thinking things through is good. Surprises, in my opinion, are bad. But because I love my husband so much I try to surprise him, I really do. Especially when I know could be an amazingly huge surprise. But try as I might I didn't pull it off at least not this time. I needed his opinion. I needed to know the money I was spending, it was no small amount, was going to be worth it. I needed guidance because I had no clue about this gift and I really didn't want to get ripped off. So, a surprise it was not, but fun it has been.

I bought him a wii and wii've been having a blast playing. I'm so glad I told Seth about it because wii got the last one at the store and for a better price that what I almost bought online it for. See surprises are bad (okay so they really aren't but I do still have an issue with them.) Have you heard of these game systems? I'm very much against video games and spending hours playing. All thought wii (Seth and I) did stay up too late last night playing but it was fun. With this game system you actually get somewhat of a work out while you play. Now that is my kind of game system. I hope to eventually, maybe for Christmas (hint hint family!), get the wii fit to go with it. It's an extra feature that allows you to do even more physical activity.

I had my doubts but so far think the gift was money well spent. It's already provided lots of entertainment and wii've only had it for 3 days. The boxing game is the best to watch people play. Wii look so silly flailing our arms about but it's fun and provides for an excellent bicep workout! All right I done with the wii (for we) - sorry I couldn't help myself.

It's been awhile....

since you've heard my baby girl giggle and everyone knows Jericho giggles are a necessity in life.

What a good necessity it is!

Happy Birthday Lil Sis!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TORI!

Tor - I love you! It's been fun having you stay with us the last 6 months. I know these last few years haven't been easy on either of us but with God's help we've made it and we are better because of it. I love seeing you become the women of God that wants you to be. You are beautiful both inside and out! The day your were born was a good day. The Lord knew that I a little sister but more than that he knew that I needed a best friend. There is so much more I could say but instead of me talking I'm going to let others do it for me. Here are a few quotes (that are all to true) about sisters that I wanted to share.

A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost. ~Marion C. Garretty

It was nice growing up with someone like you - someone to lean on, someone to count on... someone to tell on! ~Author Unknown

Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Sisters don't need words. They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief. Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling. ~Pam Brown

What's the good of news if you haven't a sister to share it? ~Jenny DeVries

In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips. ~Author Unknown

Sisters are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way. ~Pamela Dugdale

A sister smiles when one tells one's stories - for she knows where the decoration has been added. ~Chris Montaigne

It's hard to be responsible, adult and sensible all the time. How good it is to have a sister whose heart is as young as your own. ~Pam Brown

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James

How do people make it through life without a sister? ~Sara Corpening

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child. ~Barbara Alpert

Our roots say we're sisters, our hearts say we're friends. ~Author Unknown

Just like that...

...they were gone. I've never been home without Jericho before, I don't think I like it. I've left her on many occasions (usually after she down for the night) but she's never been out, without me. She is on her first daddy daughter date. The first of many. They are going to swim lessons. It's only for half an hour and I know they will have fun but I already miss her. It's weird not having her here. My baby is growing up. There is nothing I can do but enjoy it. So I'm off to do something without having sweet chubby little hands get in the way. (In case you are wondering I like chubby little hands getting in the way!)

Dear Reader,

Brown rice here. I'm writing to ask for some help. Tarah just can't get seem to get the hang of cooking me right. She did it right the first few times but lately I've been mushy. I'm trying to help her out but I don't know what she is doing wrong either. She hasn't changed anything 2 cups water for ever 1 cup of me. Then she cooks me for 45 minutes. She knows she needs to change something she's just not sure what. Less water? More time? Less time? She trying she really is. Someone please help her!

Not wanting to be mush,
B-rice

It's Me!

I was going to do a post and apologize for the fact that much of what I have written about lately (or wanted to write about but haven't) has been me thinking and trying to figure out some deep soul searching, Jesus asking, make ya think kind of things. But then I thought wait a minute that's just me being me. (This is me talking to my self) "That's what all this thinking is about don't apologize, that' would defeat the whole purpose of why you are doing this, just tell the that you hope they enjoy it." So, this is me not apologizing, this me tell you that I hope you enjoy it because I'm sure there's more to come!

Finding Me

I'm on a quest to find me. I've realized that I really don't know who I am. I tend to be whoever people want me to be and I'm sick of that. I want to be me. Nothing more, nothing less. Who am I? I'm not sure but I intend to find out.

Want to know why I've never posted a recipe on this blog because I'm afraid you won't like it. I don't want to be wrong about what food is good. Ya know what I'm realizing. Just because I like a certain type of food doesn't mean that you have to like it. Just because you post a recipe doesn't mean I'm going to like it. How about that. Genies isn't it. Wanna know why I've ever done a "favorite" post on anything because I'm afraid that you won't like my favorites. Guess what even if you don't like my favorites they will still be my favorites and that's okay. I know this stuff is deep isn't it. Seriously though it's something that I've struggled with. But I'm working on it.

So far there are a few things that I have figured out about myself. I like natural peanut butter. It's so much better than other stuff with all the sugar in it. I was afraid to try it but now that I have I'll never go back. I function so much better when I read my Bible first thing in the morning. I also need to work out on a regular basis and do it as early in the morning as possible. I love to blog (I just need to get over worrying about what you think, I need to do it for me, I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else) I really like learning new things especially it it's about God, eating healthy, medical stuff (pregnancy & baby), how to fix up a home, anything really. I like having fun. I haven't had fun on a regular basis in years. I think that's been one of the hardest things that I've discovered so far. I like adventure, being wild & crazy, laughing, dancing, not caring what people around me think & just being silly. That's me but it hasn't been me for a long time. Does that make sense? Somewhere along the lines I lost myself. I became sad & serious. Now I've always been serious to some extend. I'm a thinker, very analytical but this seriousness has been different. It's been a no one can have any fun type of seriousness. That's not me at all. I know that life is not all peaches & cream, ask anybody. Before we lost Gracie and Gideon I was naive. I had been very sheltered from life in a good sense. Losing my babies (and quite a few other thing piled on top of all that) opened my eyes to this not so nice world that we live in. But it's not the worlds fault, I'm not blaming it on the cards that I had been dealt. No, it's my own fault. It's how I've played my cards that got me to where I am. I choose to be sad, to withdrawal from people, to hold back, I was afraid of what else would get taken so I closed my fist and let no one in. Not even Seth & especially not God.

It's a lonely place to get to. Maybe you know someone who is there. Maybe you are there.

I'm not sure when it happened but I finally got to the end of my rope. I was not happy with who I had become because it was not me. I am beginning to find myself again though. I like what I'm seeing. I like knowing who I really am again. I feel like the Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. In the beginning she doesn't really know what kind of egg was her favorite. She always said her favorite kind of egg was the same as whom ever she was dating at the time. At the end of the movie there is a scene where she is in the kitchen and she makes every kind of egg there is. They show her taste each one and she figures out what type of egg is really her favorite. In order for her to know what is her favorite she has to try them all. That's where I am at. I'm trying everything out seeing what fits and what doesn't. It's defiantly a process but it's so worth it. I need to know who I am. I need to find me. I have the best guide ever - God - so I also know that failing is not an option. He will show me the way. He is the only one that can take me all the way to finding me.The Lord has set me free from things that I didn't even know I was enslaved too. I'm glad that I now see it. Each day the My Father is revealing Himself a little bit more to me. I'm learning so much and I will never go back to the person I was. So I end with this a, prayer to my Father. The only one that can truly help me find me because He is the one that created me.

Heavenly Father, I want to be me. I want to be who you created me to be and nothing more. The only way I can find the real me is through you. Guide me on my quest to finding myself. I know that I am first and foremost I am a child of God. That is where my quest begins and ends, with you, your word and your spirit guiding me. You have equip me with the all tools that I need to not just get by in life but to thrive, to be me. May your spirit always be my guide because where your spirit is there is freedom. My freedom in YOU is how I will find me!

Old School

Have any of you played tetherball? Oh it's so much fun. You must find a tetherball stand and play sometime. Prior to Friday I don't think that I have played since grade school. I used to play all the time back then and I was good. I was taller than most of my friends (they eventually caught up) and I have some pretty long arms that help in most any sport. Yeah I pretty much dominated the tetherball pole court.

Umm I'm pretty sure your not allowed to do that in tetherball.

I am an athlete and although I'm not at my top competitive level at this point in my life I can still very much hold my own in most sports. I'm very comfortable on a ball field. It really doesn't matter what type of ball field it is just give me a ball and tell me to shoot, spike, swing, kick or throw and I'll be able to do it decently. I'm not trying to brag I just want you to understand that I am confident when it comes to sports. But tetherball is a different story. It has to be one of the most awkward sports I've ever played. I'm constantly whiffing and when I do hit the ball it hardly goes anywhere. Never the less it is a very fun game to play, I had a BLAST! If you want to feel like the biggest dork ever while laughing your head off, grab a friend and go find yourself a tetherball court to play on.

A Puddle of Mush

that is how I would describe the contents of my heart this weekend. It started on Friday. We went to the 4th of July parade. One of the first things that we saw/heard were men playing the bag pipes. I love bag pipes. They are so peaceful and soothing.


The moment I heard the bag pipes it was as if I had been transport back in time 2 1/2 years earlier. It was cold and rainy out. There were rows of folding chairs set up under a small tent. The view was spectacular but went unnoticed on that wretched day. I was sitting in the front row Seth was at my side, holding my hand. We were both crying. Weeping as we listened to the sweet sound of Amazing Grace being played on the bag pipes. My heart ached as I thought of why we chose this song. Not wanting to acknowledge the reason for the song, through blurry tear filled eyes I studied the tiny casket that stood before us, knowing that this song being played on the bag pipes was our way of saying goodbye. Everyone knew we were saying goodbye to Gideon; I don't know how many realized that we were also saying goodbye to Grace. Choosing this song to be played on the bag pipes was one of the last decisions that we made on behalf of Grace and Gideon as their parents. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.....

There I was watching the 4th of July parade with tears streaming down my face not seeing or hearing anything. It was but a moment that I was in that other place; as quickly as I was there I was back. This has happened a hand full of times since Gideon has passed and each time it leaves me wondering. What triggers events like this? I know it was the bag pipes this time but each time it is something different. There are times that I'm thinking about Gideon and am conscious of where my thoughts are going. I decide if I'm going to allow that door in my soul to be opened and looked in. Then there are other times such as the one I described that I have absolutely no control over, they just happen. I'm never sure what to think about them. Most times I am embarrassed I'm not sure what is going on and I always end up crying. I am also thankful. Each time it's happened there are details that I can recall when I get transported that I didn't remember before then. It's as if the Lord is allowing me to see what an outsider would have seen. Details that while I was in the mist of everything got overlooked. I cherish those little details, those little treasures that have always been there just never seen. I am now for just a moment getting to see them and I am grateful.

That was Friday, then on Saturday my dear friend and her husband gave their oldest daughter away. It was a beautiful wedding. I held it together fairly well. At the reception the best man gave his speech like normal but when it was the maid of honors turn the groom stood up and spoke instead. You see the bride and one of her sisters were in very serious car accident a little over a year ago. The bride was seriously injured and her sister did not make it. This sister would have been the maid of honor. The groom shared that although this is a joyous day it was bittersweet for the groom and his new bride because of the absence of her sister. I think it was bittersweet for everyone.

There were a few other events that took place that didn't help my already oozing heart. It is always when I'm the weakest that the Lord reveals himself. As we sang Amazing Grace at church (seriously how often is that song sung in your church, not to often in ours, it feels like only when the Lord is trying to get my attention) I could feel His presence, whispering that He is and always has been in control.

Happy 4th of July!

(view from my backyard)

I hope you have a fun fourth of July filled with your favorite foods, fabulous times with family, fellowship with friends, lots of festivities and of course FIREWORKS!

May you be reminded all day why we celebrate this fantastic holiday - FREEDOM!

I forgot...........I was enjoying it too much.

I forgot to take a picture of dinner last night. It was soooo yummy. You would have drooled. Big fluffy blueberry waffles with a hint of vermont maple syrup over top accompanied by spinach mushroom omelet with a mound of cheese on top. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I love breakfast for dinner!

I forgot to bring my camera. Seth and I went on a date. We canoed on the calm quite lake as the sun glistened on the water over head. Snuggling next to my hubby, feeling his muscle bulge as he wraps himself around me, watching the sun find it's bed behind the mountains as the cool breeze from the lake blew through my hair, taking about our hopes and dreams for the future. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the camera would have not gotten any use even if I did bring it. I was enjoying the moment too much.

Wordless Wednesday - The B-I-B-L-E

"hmmm this book makes ya think, I like it!"



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